As in water face reflects face, So a man's heart reveals the man.

"it's not my fault I'm such an awful mess and more."

2009-05-29T13:45:00.003-07:00

Why does everything in my life seem like such a battle? I don't think there is one thing going on in my life right now that doesn't require me to fight with all of my might. I do not ask out of complaint, but I ask out of pure wonder. It's not all bad I suppose, but it is tiring! I know very well that the life of a follower of Christ comes with risks, persecution, and hardship. It is not something you choose to live your life by if you want life to be easy. I don't want my life to be EASY. But shouldn't some things be a little easy...? Because it seems like nothing is easy anymore, nothing. Not one bit. I'm fighting for friendship and humanity, I'm fighting for love, I'm fighting for the principles and the people, I'm fighting for morals and ethics, I'm fighting for trust and respect. I'm fighting against consumerism, against hate and torture and murder and doubt, I'm fighting against lies and disease and emotion. Everything I'm fighting for and everything I'm fighting against leads me to one very weary road of exhaustion. But I won't stop, I swear. Nothing will ever make me stop. Maybe. Maybe except death... that would probably make me stop..... only probably, though.

It's funny how someone who really hates dissent and arguing and battles and war pretty much deals with it all on a daily basis. I never really feel the peace and harmony and love that I believe in so much. Sometimes I get glimpses of them. But they never last long. I guess that's why true faith is believing in the unseen.

I want a gentle revolution. I want a worldwide transformation. I want to disturb the order of society and infect the world with God's love. I want pop culture to suck it. I want a lifetime of love for others and ourselves. I want to give and not receive and be satisfied with that. I want unity and interdependence to outshine survival of the fittest. I want to love the hard people, the child molesters and the physically deformed and the Hitlers and the Osama Bin Ladens of the world. I want to know what makes the USA the best country in the world and why people are so proud to wear red, white, and blue while we murder and torture humans just like us. Sometimes I lie in bed in the middle of the night and get the urge to purge my entire wardrobe and live in the same outfit every day if it will help clothe people who have nothing. Other times I think I would miss my pretty dresses, though. I want to be pure in thought and body and soul. Sometimes I wonder if that is possible. I want people to come first, not profit. I want to never sell anyone anything ever again. I want one man to show me the way God says men should treat women and to stick around. I want to honor my husband someday and never stray from the sanctity of marriage. I want reconciliation to overcome all the brokenness. I want people to know that no one is beyond redemption. I want to get inside your head and rearrange all your doubts and perceptions so that things would make sense and this would work out between us. I want to close my eyes and not be afraid to open them up to see what is in front of me. I want to love people until the sun dies.

I don't feel like I fit into this lifetime, this world. I feel like a circle that is supposed to be a square. I don't want to live the American Way. Sometimes I think capitalism makes sense, and other times it makes me cringe. I wonder how some people have so much while other people have so little. Sometimes I cry about it, thinking about the weight of the world on my shoulders like I somehow manage to do way too much of the time. I'm no Jesus, but sometimes I feel like your suffering is my suffering along with my own suffering, and then I feel that all of that suffering doesn't even come close to the amount of suffering that's going on all over the world. Maybe I don't belong in America. America is eating me alive along with all the fried food it can produce. I feel like my body is here on earth, but my soul is somewhere very distant. My soul faints and cries out for heaven. I am really feeling the weight of the part in the Bible (if I had my Bible in front of me I could say where exactly it says it, but I don't), where God says this is not our home, we are foreigners in this world because our real home is with Him. So we should feel strange living here. Oh, please bring me home, Lord.

it's true I failed, but Your love covers me.

2009-05-21T21:13:00.002-07:00

I write with love
and I write for free
this way is death
please come with me
my words are true
and my eyes are soft
this is your chance
come with and see

thy worth is great
thy heart is pure
my arms stay open
so please be sure
I wait for you always
and offer you my love
but the only love you know
left you pain to endure

this world is death
this world is black
you choose your way
and never turn back

your heart is empty
your soul is dark
you see the light
and ignore the spark.
----------------------------

A mother that loves her own
but she cannot plainly see
the death in her mouth
rotting root and tree

of sky and earth
so spreads the dark
it leaks from her face
always finding its mark

oh mother, oh mother
your love is like no other
it slaps the face of who you love
it takes and takes and takes and takes

oh mother, sweet woman
do you know what you do
your arm a fine lover
your hand waiting to smother

oh mother, my mother
it was me you were loving
it was me you were loving.

------------------------------

Love until it HURTS.

2009-05-19T16:23:00.004-07:00

Some of the best stuff I've read in a long time, highlights from the book "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne.

"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian Scholarship. Christian Scholarship is the church's prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament." -Soren Kierkegaard.

"We are not a voice for the voiceless. The truth is that there is a lot of noise out there drowning out quiet voices, and many people have stopped listening to the cries of their neighbors. Lots of folks have put their hands over their ears to drown out the suffering." -Shane

"It is a beautiful thing when folks in poverty are no longer just a missions project but become genuine friends and family with whom we laugh, cry, dream, and struggle." -Shane

"Charity wins awards and applause, but joining the poor gets you killed. People do not get crucified for charity. People are crucified for living out a love that disrupts the social order, that calls forth a new world." -Shane

-I want to live out a love that disrupts the social order. And there is never a better time to start doing so than right now. :)

..."But today people crave the spectacular. People are drawn to lights and celebrities, to arenas and megachurches. In the desert, Jesus was tempted by the spectacular, to do big, miraculous things so people might believe, but Jesus has called us to littleness and compares our revolution to the little mustard seed, to yeast making its way through dough, SLOWLY INFECTING THIS DARK WORLD WITH LOVE." -Shane

-I love using disgusting words to illustrate something beautiful. What would the world look like if everybody woke up every morning and thought, "how can I infect this dark world with love today?" I think it'd be pretty amazing.

"...We've just fallen in love with God and our neighbors, and that is transforming our lives." -Shane

"We are the richest and most miserable people in the world." -Shane

-we have the highest suicide rates and depression and yet we keep our misery around our wrists like handcuffs, this is probably the most true thing I've thought about it a long time. And we love staying miserable. Time to break the cycle, America. Time to break hearts, followers of Jesus.

"I feel sorry that so many of us have settled for a lonely world of independence and riches when we could all experience the fullness of life in community and interdependence. Why would I want a fancy car when I can ride a bike, or a TV when I can play outside with sidewalk chalk? Ok, sometimes I still want the hottub on the roof, but the rest I can live without. And I mean LIVE without." -Shane

-This is the epitome of what I think about on a daily basis, haha.

[Referencing Matthew 11:28-30] "...One of the things I think Jesus is doing is setting us free from the heavy yoke of an oppressive way of life. I know plenty of people, both rich and poor, who are suffocating from the weight of the "American Dream", who find themselves heavily burdened by the lifeless toil and consumption we put upon ourselves. This is the yoke we are being SET FREE FROM." -Shane

-Matthew 11:28-30 is my "life verse"... for so many reasons. But it's interesting how the deeper reasons are becoming more and more apparent to me the older I get and the more I keep coming back to what Jesus tells us in this passage.

Mother Theresa: "Following Jesus is simple, but not easy. Love until it hurts, and then love more."

Dorothy Day: "Love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it is the only answer."

"This love is not sentimental but heart-wrenching, the most difficult and the most beautiful thing in the world." -Shane

"There are plenty of people who are miserable in their jobs, for they have not listened to God's call. And I would add there are many Christians who are not fulfilled in their spiritual lives because they have no sense of their gifts or purpose, and they just run to the mission field to save souls rather than transform lives and communities using their gifts and those of the people they live among. Both lead to EMPTINESS and BURNOUT." -Shane

"Some may leave their jobs. Others will redefine them. Many of us feel an inner collision between the old life and the new one." -Shane

In relation to the fuller awareness of notorious human rights abusers (Coca-Cola, Nestle, Disney, Gap, etc)... "Not everyone responds in the same way, BUT WE MUST RESPOND."

Over 20,000 children die each *day* from curable water-borne disease because of the problem for access to clean water.

"Jesus was crucified not for helping poor people, but for joining them. That is the Jesus we follow." -Shane

"We've got to unite ourselves as one body. Because Jesus is coming back, and he's coming back for a bride, not a harem." -a gospel preacher.

My mind is spinning, kids.

The lion lays down with the lamb.

2009-05-17T15:42:00.002-07:00

What if we all realized what this toiling and consuming is doing to our world? It won't ever happen unless we stop covering our ears to drown out the screams of our neighbors, and it won't happen unless we open up our eyes, and I mean really open them. We all see what we want to see. People don't want to see people suffering. Because it might make us feel really guilty and it might make us have to change the way we live our lives. People don't want to see death and they don't want to see poverty, they don't want to see people naked and hungry and crying.

Maybe love doesn't mean happiness. Maybe it means you're going to hurt. There is so much more to happiness than just feeling good. More than not feeling bad. What if happiness isn't all there is to strive for on this earth? What if it isn't about making it to the next and higher level of happiness. What if we all stopped trying to become higher. Higher in our statuses, our wealth, our contentment, our security, our jobs, our place in society, everything. Haha, what if happiness really is a warm gun? ...kidding.

so I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered-- All I am is Yours!

2009-04-30T22:14:00.003-07:00

what if we all believed in a God that could make our spirits dance and sing the way we do when we go to our worship services, when we're just sitting alone in a room... no band leading us, no friends next to us, just us and a chair. you know the worship services I'm talking about, the ones that rock us and make us scream and shout and wave our arms around for Jesus. the ones with the most talented guitar players that play our favorite worship tunes from Hillsong and Chris Tomlin and all the other Christian music resources. Cause I gotta tell you, I think when we do that every week, soemtimes we get into this rhythm. A rhythm where we NEED that amazing band, with the drums and the violin and the guitars and the piano and singers, in order to get really into the music and then into the spirit of worship with the Lord. Because as humans in these physical bodies we have, and our natural instincts, and just the way we are in our flesh... we associate things all the time with our feelings and our sentiments and emotions and experiences. And I think a lot of Christians walk away from these worship experiences so many times that it begins to feel like that's the standard- that's the way our worship time should be, at the least, to feel connected to God and glorify Him with our songs and our dancing.

And that leads us to a lot of disappointment, and unrest in our souls. What if we played that song from our laptops when we're sitting on the computer in a room all by ourselves, with no "introduction" of worship songs to get us into "the mood", or a youth pastor to pray and get our attention set on God for us. What if we just sat there doing our thing, and turned on a worship song through youtube. and what if that's all we needed to set our heart to dancing and make our souls sing for Jesus, and wave our arms around, and have an extreme physical reaction to the music we hear, and the words that we're singing. Because our God is just THAT amazing. He doesn't need lights and he doesnt need any of that extra stuff. It's just Him and us. Him and me. in a room, dancing. singing with all of my lungs.

that's the kind of God I believe in.

And having all of that "stuff"- the amazingly talented worship band, all the musical instruments, the sound system, the lights- that stuff is all good. It's GOOD. It's wonderful. People who were given great gifts get to use their musical talents to lead other people in worship to glorify God, that is good. and it is good to appreciate them and love the music they make.

but be careful not to fall into that motion, the one where you need THEM and all of that "stuff" to worship God. None of that really matters, except your heart, when it really comes down to it. And I believe that our God doesn't need anything to make Him look better than He already looks, and make His worship songs sound better than they already are. He is perfection. and He is all I need. I just wonder sometimes if anyone else falls into that rhythm, the one I described above, cause I know I have. I love music so much and I get really into it, but I gotta confess sometimes if that stuff isn't all there, it's hard for me to connect and worship. but you just have to remember it's about God, and nothing else.

I wonder how awesome it would be if we ALL believed in a God that didn't need anything but Himself to worship with all of our might. just sitting in a room with a computer and a chair and yourself- dancing and singing and worshipping Him. <3

I picture you in the sun.

2009-04-12T16:18:00.003-07:00

I think a lot about how things have changed. Not in a bad or good way, but just that there has been change. I see bits and pieces of the person I was one year ago, but thinking of everything together in one whole person is something I cannot remember or recall very well. I've forgotten, because I am so far away from that person in that body and mind. But I'll always remember the way I felt. I'm reminded of that when I walk by people, sometimes, and there eyes look like mine did when I looked at myself in the mirror. But I saw the mirror broken up in razor sharp pieces and none of the pieces fit together no matter how hard I tried to imagine them back together and whole. I couldn't even dream my life back together. I was so far away from now.

Whole. Beautiful. Radiant. Strong.

I don't want to experience the kinds of things I have gone through over the past year again, but if they did happen again, I'd be able to get through it. I know that. I know that now.

Sometimes I see faces of people that hurt so bad just to catch a glimpse of their pain, I wonder how horrible they feel in all their suffering. And I wonder how much of our suffering is caused by ourselves, and how much is caused by forces outside of our control, and how to deal with the two and how they differ and why they exist.

I think love sets us free. And anything that doesn't, probably isn't real love. It's probably just our own deceiving of ourselves, and confusing our hopes and desires and needs together in one big heap. That means I've been chained for a very long time, and I've been living disillusioned to knowing love and receiving it and giving it back. the only true love I've ever felt is the love of God that rains down on me when I sit in a quiet room all by myself and open up my heart to my Maker. And the love from my friends, the ones that walk in when the rest of the world walks out-those friends. All the rest is just pretend. And actually, thinking about this doesn't make me feel like I've missed out on experiencing real love other ways, it makes me feel special and chosen and significant, knowing that God loves ME for me. and if nobody else in this world loved me, God's love would be more than enough to live with forever. My cup runeth over, eh?

Yes, it does.

More.

2009-03-30T13:36:00.002-07:00

I said there would be more, and here it is...

-And then I started thinking about my own life, how I need people to love me and like me and how, if they don't, I feel miserable and sad and how I am tempted to believe what they are saying about me is true. It is as though the voice God used to have has been taken up by less credible voices. And when I think about this I know that Genesis 3 is true; I know without a doubt I am a person who is wired so that something outside myself tells me who I am.

-The thing is, if people are in a lifeboat, the reason they feel passionately about being a good person and all is because if they aren't, they are going to be thrown overboard; they are going to be killed. I realize that sounds grim, but I kept comparing, in my mind, the conversation that might take place in a lifeboat with the conversations I heard at Palio or at Horse Brass. Because when you really think about it, these wants we have, like wanting to be right, wanting to be good, wanting to be perceived as humble, wanting to be important to people and wanting to be loved, feel perilous, as though by not getting them something terrible is going to happen.

-...and if we don't get that love and respect, we feel very sad or angry because we know that our glory is at stake.... we'll be dead inside, like a little light will go out and our souls will feel dark, like nothing can grow there. We'll feel that there is a penalty, by default, for being removed from love.

-The most selfless thing God could do, that is, the most selfless thing a perfect Being who is perfectly loving could do, would be to create other beings to enjoy Himself.

-I feel like I am in a lifeboat trying to get other people to say I am important and valued and even when they do, it feels as though their opinion isn't strong enough to give me the feeling I need, the feeling that quit at the Fall.

-But what we really need is God. What we really need is somebody who loves us so much we don't worry about death, about our hair thinning, about other drivers pulling in front of us on the road, about whether people are poor or rich, good-looking or ugly, about whether we feel lonely or about whether or not we are wearing clothes. We need thisl we need this so we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so we can see everybody as equals, we need this so our relationships can be sincere, we need this so we can stop kicking ourselves around, we need this so we can lose all self-awareness and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, by that I mean the Creator.

-It seems to me that many of us just chose a team years ago and are unwilling to concede that their team isn't right. So often decisions aren't being made based on whether or not the ideas of a political party are good ideas; decisions are based on associations and dissociations in the lifeboat. It becomes very dangerous.

-It is no coincidence that Jesus talks endlessly about love. Free love. Unconditional love.

-Logic is thrown out the window, or worse, used as a tool to validate our prejudices. Philosophies, ideals, and even religious convictions become weapons for slaughter.

*********-I was asking myself while I was reading whether or not Jesus had many of the personality traits we have here on earth. And the truth is, He didn't. He had hunger and thirst and He slept and rested, but He had no regard for the lifeboat politics you and I live within every day. He believed a great deal of absurd ideas, such as we should turn the other cheek if somebody hits us, we should give somebody our coat even if they just ask for our shirt, we should be willing to give up all our money and follow Him, we should try out hardest to make peace, we should treat poor people the same as we treat the rich, we should lay down our lives for our friends, and so on and so on. It seemed He believed we should take every opportunity to fail in the lifeboat game, not for the sake of failing, but because there wasn't anything to win in the first place. It was as if He didn't believe the economy we live within had validity. No part of Him was deceived by its power. ********

-Several years ago I was getting to the point that the enormous, entangling religion of Christianity, with its many divisions, its multiple theologies, its fondness for war rhetoric, and its quirky, lumbering personality, was such a nuisance I hardly wanted anything to do with it.

-my gut tells me the key to life is relational, not propositional.

-To exchange heaven for a place, and to exchange eternity for time, was an act of humility I don't think any of us can understand.

****-I started thinking about how, if God is a perfect and loving Being, the most selfless thing He could do would be to create other beings to enjoy Him. And then I started thinking that if those creatures fell away from Him, the most selfless thing a perfect and loving Being could do would be to go and get them, to try to save them from the death that would take place in His absence. ****

woah.

The things I took away the most from the book "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller....

2009-03-25T13:56:00.002-07:00

...And that makes me wonder if what we really want from the formulas are the wishes, not God. It makes me wonder if what we really want is control, not a relationship.

The very scary thing about religion, to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think He is. By that I mean they have Him all figured out, mapped out, and as my pastor, Rick, says, "dissected and put into jars on a shelf." You've got a bunch of Catholics in Rome who think one way about God, and a bunch of Baptists in Texas who think another, and that isn't even the beginning. It goes on and on and on like this, and it makes me wonder if God created us in His image or if we created Him in ours.

...i realized there was this other part of me, and it was a big part of me, that needed something outside of myself to tell me who I was. And the thing that had been designed to tell me who I was, was gone. And so the second idea became obvious: I was very concerned with getting other people to say I was good or valuable or important because the thing that was supposed to make me feel this way was gone.

Jesus was always, and I mean always, talking about love, about people, about relationship, and He never once broke anything into steps or formulas. I began to wonder if becoming a Christian did not work more like falling in love than agreeing with a list of true principles. I had met a lot of people who agreed with all those true principles, and they were jerks, and a lot of other people who believed in those principles, but also claimed to love Jesus, who were not jerks. It seems like something else has to take place in the heart for somebody to become a believer, for somebody to understand the gospel of Jesus.

But if the gospel of Jesus is relational; that is, if our brokenness will be fixed, not by our understanding of theology, but by God telling us who we are, then this would require a kind of intimacy of which only heaven knows. Imagine, a Being with a mind as great as God's, with feet like trees and a voice like rushing wind, telling you that you are His cherished creation. It's kind of exciting if you think about it. Earthly love, I mean the stuff I was trying to get by sounding smart, is temporal and slight so that it has to be given again and again in order for us to feel any sense of security; but God's love, God's voice and presence, would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them.

I like Paul the best because he said the hard stuff about women in ministry and homosexuality and you get to thinking he was pretty severe, and all of a sudden he starts getting vulnerable as though he is feeling lonely, needing to share personal stuff with somebody.

If a writer is going to sit down with a big important voice and try to get me motivated about something, I pretty much don't want to read anymore because it makes me feel tired, as though life were just about getting a lot of things done. Paul never did this. He was terribly personal.
The books I like are the ones that get you feeling like you are with a person, hanging out with a person who is being quite vulnerable, telling you all sorts of stuff that is personal. And that's the thing Paul did that makes me like him. The other thing is, the guy was passionate, like he actually believed this stuff was true, always going off about heaven and hell because he KNEW life has extremes. One minute he talked about how disgusting sin is and how it hurts God in His heart, and the next minute he said he would go to hell for people if he could, how he would die for them and go to hell if they would just trust Christ. It's really hard to read that stuff because it gets you feeling guilty about not loving people very much, and then you feel very thankful for people like Paul because it means that *if a person knows Christ, they become the sort of man who says difficult truths with his mouth and yet feels things with his heart that make him want to go around and die for people. It's quite beautiful, really.*

A community like that might sound far-fetched, but when you read through John's other books, the short ones, all he talks about is IF YOU KNOW JESUS, YOU WILL LOVE YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER, and anybody who talked that much about loving your brother and sister was probably the most beloved person in their community, and when he died people would have felt a certain pain about it for a long, long time.

Considering this couple, and what Adam went through to appreciate Eve to the utmost, I wondered at how beautiful it is that you and I were created to need each other. The romantic need is just the beginning, because we need our families and we need our friends. In this way, we are made in God's image. Certainly God does not need people in the way you and I do, but He feels a joy at being loved, and He feels a joy at delivering love. It is a striking thought to realize that, in paradise, a human is incomplete without a host of other people. We are relational indeed. And this book, the Bible, with all its understanding of the relational needs of humans, was becoming more meaningful to me as I turned the pages. God made me, He knows me, He understand me, and He wants community.

I believe we are in the wreckage of a war, a kind of Hiroshima, a kind of Mount Saint Helens, with souls distorted like the children of Chernobyl. As terrible as it is to think about these things, as ugly as it is to face them, I have the see the world this way in order for it to make sense. I have to believe something happened, and we are walking around holding our wounds. That said, we are mistaken to believe this is a war between people with flesh and people with flesh. The only appropriate war rhetoric is war rhetoric that calls our enemies spirits, and people with flesh the victims of this war. Satan wants us to fight with one another, and I understand that sometimes evil must be restrained, but our war, the war of the ones who believe in Jesus, is a war unseen.

more to come...

"Oh the only one I come undone for is you-u-u-u-u..."

2008-12-19T19:27:00.003-08:00

After saying goodnight to each other, I was ready to fall asleep and have wonderful dreams. But just as I reached to turn off the light, my phone rang again and it was him. I wondered what could possibly be the reason, seeing as we had been on the phone for hours and had talked about everything that two people can talk about. "Yes?" I said. And then he said those words. Those words we always long to hear in the deepest threads of our heart. Those words that change everything in an instant. The ones that our softest, sweetest dreams are created from. And he said them to me.

I feel that if I had heard this from him a year ago or some other previous year, my reaction would be predictable and assumed. But my life has changed so much in the past year. So many things are different. I'M different. I couldn't answer the same way I would have back then.

My heartbeat was suddenly beating out of my chest and I could hear it as if someone was playing a base drum in my ear. My eyes searched the room to look for some assurance that this was indeed reality and not just a dream. My mouth was moving, but no words were coming out, they were stuck in my throat. I was a deer stuck in the headlights. I felt so many things all at once that I couldn't possibly choose just one of them to express, so my brain opted to give up and express nothing. I wanted so badly to say the words back to him, that was absolutely clear. But I was frozen. I sputtered out a few words of explanation, but mostly left him hanging there in his vulnerability.

My heart was yelling, "Say it Say it Say it!!" but my head was screaming back, "No, I can't!" and it was then I realized how utterly frightened I was of what had just been said to me. Not because I didn't feel the same way. Not because I didn't want this to happen. But because I knew how strongly I felt the same way, and how devastating it would be if this didn't work out someday. Right when he said those words to me, I was afraid he was going to vanish in an instant and be gone forever and I would be left alone. I was horribly scared to lose him. Because I know how hard this will be. Once we admit this, there's no going back. And I'm not completely sure that I have it in me to go all the way. That's what scares me the most. And that's why I couldn't say the words back to him. I am 100% stupid and 100% chicken.

Changes.

2008-12-18T07:31:00.004-08:00

There is a lot going on in my life right now. It's crazy! I'm proud of myself for managing everything the way I have.... even though I wish I could manage it all better, I know I'm still learning. Always learning. That never changes.

In the past couple months, a lot has changed. I've leaned a lot less on some people that are in my life, and leaned a lot more on others. I've become a die-hard Scrubs fan, nay- FANATIC, pretty much, and watch every season over and over again. I've even begun to apply certain episodes to what's going on in my own life and thinking about how J.D. and the rest of the hospital gang get through the tough times of life. Though it is just a tv show, it is a lot more to it underneath all the quirky jokes. I've had a variety of sicknesses, including the current one that is starting to go away finally- my lovely bronchitus/asthma. I attended the 2008 Snowball with Salt Company, which reminded me how much I miss high school homecoming and prom dances and refueled my love for the art of dance.

I have shied away from any and all opportunities to get anywhere NEAR dating a new boy. Literally I have kept it from even entering the door to my mind... and the few times someone has tried to creep in there, I get so scared about just THINKING about being in a relationship I absolutely FREAK out and try to remind myself to keep breathing steady, deep breaths...otherwise I'd probably faint. Yeah. That's new for me. I was always miss boy crazy, miss always-wanting-to-be-in-a-relationship. Ya not so much.... not since, well, we'll just say not since what happened last year with a certain boy. Speaking of which, is in a new relationship which totally confuses me and creeps me out actually....it's just really weird to me, not in a i-still-care kind of way, just a how-can-you-not-notice way. best of luck to them.

There is, however, a boy that is always on my mind, of course. The one that lives 1200 miles away from me and always has! Apparently no guy in Iowa deserves me. I'm going to be on a plane in exactly 7 days flying to the beautiful state of North Carolina to spend 10 days with him, his friends, and his family. I don't think I've ever been MORE excited to see someone in my entire life. And for once... we are oddly both single. We talk.... preeetty much every single day, sometimes twice, sometimes three times on the phone. I am still in shock that I am actually going to be in his presence after 2 years and 5 months. That's a long time people! in March, it will be 7 years since that fateful day we met on the cruise ship. Unbelievable. I have imagined the moment we see each other at the Raleigh-Durham airport in my head, over, and over, and over again. Every time is different. But every time is the same. I am always happy in every dream that I have, always euphorically....happy.

I met and started hanging out with a new friend named Blake, that's actually on the ISU track team with all my other guy friends. We became buds really fast. I'm so comfortable around him and there's no "tension" with him regarding that always-there feeling guys and girls have around each other when they first become friends that makes them wonder if they'll ever be more than friends. It's nice. Very odd, but really nice. I can always count on him to pick me up from right outside my dorm and take me home at a second's notice, to be playing gangsta rap and hip hop whenever we drive somewhere, and to do something spontaneous with me at ridiculous hours of the night. It's awesome!

I've had interesting sleep patterns in the past month. It's been horrible, but at the same time, enlightening. With all my sicknesses, medicines, side effects of medicines, and trying to keep up with school and work which is exhausting when you're already sick and tired anyway.....well, my body clock has been WAY off. So there have been many times I would be asleep during the day and wide awake at night. Or sleep extra long, like for 15 hours. Or be wide awake and unable to fall asleep for 32 hours straight. All I can say is that it's been... quite an experience.

I'm glad to announce I have finally found my calling in my Fashion Design major here at Iowa State. However, it has not been an easy semester. Somehow I couldn't escape the clutches of sickness again, and it has caused a bunch of problems for me.... again.... right at the end of the semester... it's been quite the struggle. I hope things work out. That's really all I can say at this point.

Love always.

"DECODE" - Paramore.

2008-11-23T16:40:00.001-08:00

How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind
I can't win your losing fight all the time
Not gonna ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No not this time
Not this time

How did we get here?
When I use to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out on my own
On my own ("I'm screaming I love you so")
On my own (My thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here?
When I use to know you so well, yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves

Yeah
How did we get here?
When I use to know you so well, yeah yeah
How did we get here?
Well, I use to know you so well

I think I know
I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me I want it to be true.

this is what I pray.

2008-11-06T20:30:00.003-08:00

In my life, be lifted high
in my world, be lifted high
in my love, be lifted high
higher, higher

i call, You answer
and You came to my rescue
and i want to be where You are.
-------------------------------

show me Your heart
show me Your way
show me Your glory

Your fire fall down
fire fall down
on us, we pray
we'll never be the same again
fire fall down
fire fall down
on us, we pray
as we seek You, Lord.

------------------------

I am once again quite ill. I have an infection that spread to both my kidneys and now I have a nasty kidney infection. I'm very scared it won't get better from the medicine I was put on, because then I will have to be hospitalized and I really don't need the stress of all of that. I'm already stressed and down as it is. I got to go to Salt tonight though, which gave me a little boost in my spirit and my emotional/mental state. I am praying so hard that my infection clears up. I know God will take care of me, no matter what happens.

Loosening the grip.

2008-11-02T16:24:00.002-08:00

It's sad that one day can unravel months, even years, of growth in a friendship. There are some disappointments in life you just can't ever be prepared for, and seeing someone for who they really are is one of them. Especially when you see them in a light you wish had never been turned on... because it's ugly.

One thing I have learned about living is that you can't fix your friends. Along with that, you have to weigh the mistakes and the consequences and their impact on you, and figure out what's best for yourself- not them. Otherwise, it's just not healthy.

All people have patterns. Most of life contains cycles that we fall in and out of. When you start seeing a bad pattern in someone you have always held in high opinion, things can get a little difficult and complicated. You have an attachment to the past of this person, but you have a "detach button" ready to be hit for the present, because you look out into your future and you see them continuing their patterns over and over and over again, and it's just too much to ask yourself to overlook all the hurt and all the problems it's going to cause you later on... not to mention what it's already caused you at the present moment.

I never used to be able to detach myself from anybody. Even the most destructive of relationships. But I can now. The question now is, how do I know which function to practice, and to what extent? I am at a loss for words at this point.

"I don't really miss it all that much..."

2008-10-27T22:30:00.004-07:00

I've decided to begin every train of thought with the word "As." Because I can.

As I sit here alone, with no roommate to quietly whisper a goodnight to just across the room from where I lie, I sort of wish I wasn't such a people person. Like life would be so much easier if I was totally ok with being an introvert all the time..... because I find myself alone for a large portion of my life. Or, rather, those periods of time just stick out... because I do really love being around people that much. Either way, since my roommate had to move out because of her health issues with the mold in our room, I am still upset about getting all familiar with living with another person and making a new friend, then having it all ripped away from me in a matter of 2 days. The ironic part is that I know exactly what it feels like to be her and have to choose your health over what you wish you could do. That's really why we made such a strong bond so quickly.... and it's still there, but I can't wake up with it there or go to bed knowing it's there either.

As I think about the person I'm avoiding currently, I wonder if they're starting to wonder if I'm avoiding them. It's not that I'm immature and don't want to own up to something I did. I really have not had 30 minutes to myself the past 2 days. All of my time and energy goes to my schoolwork and classes, or work these days. To be honest, I don't think a lot of people who know me pretty well actually get how busy I actually am and how demanding my major actually is.......they're probably used to me being the girl that always had time for everyone else, but that was before I got my life in order and figured out I have to stop giving away all my time to other people and other things.... and finally give myself the time of day to do what I want and what I need. And what I want and need right now is to succeed in school and get my GPA up and focus on learning everything I need to learn to practice my passion for fashion one day... and be happy with what I do and who I am. That's the ultimate goal. And the only way I'll get there is by being a little selfish. Note: I use the term selfish in a way you probably won't really understand. It's a little complicated. And I'm not going to elaborate.

As I recall going to work last night, I was very much dreading it... as usual. Sunday nights are usually so bland at the C-store. I have to be in the back cooler, stocking all the milk and drinks and frozen snacks in the 40 degree temperature. Granted, I get to look like an eskimo (eskimos are cool) with multiple big puffy coats covering my little frame as I grab more crates of Powerade and Mountain Dew and stumble into the freezing cold death chamber (I just came up with that name for it!!). Anyway, the thing is it's the people I work with on said night that usually give me no reason to look forward to it. However, last night my team was all in such good moods that everyone had a lot of fun practically the entire time. I let my charming personality and silly humor get me in with the 2 cool black dudes I work with, and made the cheese dish for the deli look so pretty my supervisor said she'd write about it and put it in the comment box. BAM!!! But the icing on the cake is that my boss (who I was full and ready to walk up to and rant for 10 minutes about how smiling is good for the soul if the opportunity came), spoke more than 2 sentences to me (first surprise), AND (second surprise), said aforementioned sentences in a kind tone of voice. BAHH!! I sensed a hint of a smile on her face too...... incredible. So I didn't get to say my awesome speech about smiling and laughter and how being a nice person in general is a good thing.....and how if she wanted to work in the food industry she probably should have realized it's about dealing with people, both employees and customers, ALL THE DANG TIME, and brushed up on her people skills and maybe gotten some counseling on how to JUST BE A NICE PERSON.... but if I would have gotten to give my whole rant, I probably would have gotten fired. so. I guess my own boss kinda saved my butt in an ironic twist. :)

As I was typing up my resume down in the good ol' Friley computer lab just about 45 minutes ago, I couldn't help but get a little down on myself. The education section that I needed to list out made me ponder my life more than I would have liked to at the moment. My instructor gave us a little outline that basically wrote our resume for ourselves, but it was supposed to be a guide, and prompted us to list academic awards, honors, art show awards, scholarships, our GPA, and other such things. After getting out the major things like what my major is and my emphasis and that I am a Hixson Scholarship Recipient........I realized that is my only pride and joy that matters to the outside world and the academic world of Iowa State University. The fact that I have yet to graduate with anything official from this lovely university, and I am a member of a scholarship group (which is very honorable, but... that's all). As far as anyone is concerned, I am about as valuable of a potential employee as a homeless man off the street........ well, you know what I mean. My GPA is sub-par after all the crappy health problems and personal situations that have interfered with my past semesters. I have never made the Dean's List. I have not won any awards in my 2 and a half years of attending, I have not even been put in any leadership positions in any clubs, groups, or activities, and my main activity within this university is a Christian Youth Group. Wow. I sound just AMAZING to an designer who needs an intern to come help design and work in their store. Note: Sarcastic tone.

As I continued sitting in the Friley computer lab thinking about how pathetic and troublesome my college years have been, I began to feel my blood temperature rise a little bit... as I questioned, 'how about in the Experience section i include that i've passed probably 10 kidney stones known to date?' or perhaps, 'for one of my many Key Skills, what about putting down- 'should have died from car accident but has great skills in not dying even though all odds are against me''.....better yet, 'activities: telling myself that i love myself and i'm worth living, every day. because if i dont, i might not believe it.' eh? do those things matter on frickin Resumes?! no. no they dont. all the life experiences I have that matter in my heart and my soul.... don't matter at ALL to the world outside of my college shelter. they dont care that i've overcome pain after pain after pain and learned how to cope with immense stress and become a strong, stable woman. But they do care that my GPA is not a 3.0 or a 4.0. And they do care that I've never been on the Dean's List and I'm a junior in college at major university. Awesome. I am just set, aren't I? :(

Resumes suck.

when it rains...

2008-10-11T22:12:00.003-07:00

Life is hard.

some people just let you down, all the time, and you should probably get used to it.

Fear is a trap. Don't fall into it.

there are just some things that you can't fix.

brokenness is a lonely tunnel with no light at the end.

if you don't show someone that you care, how do they know that you care?

if you get the opportunity to let someone know you care, don't pass it up. if enough opportunities go by unnoticed, eventually you send a very clear message that is very hurtful.

oblivious is not an excuse.

if you don't have time for me, i'm not going to give you my time.

when it rains on this side of town, it touches EVERYTHING.

There are some people I never want to be like.

2008-09-28T16:26:00.003-07:00

So I recently had an experience with some people, in particular some people of the female species. And as most people know, I shy away from hanging out with girls unless they are my very good friends or are truly great people that do not belong in the general stereotype of the female population. We all know girls like this. They are almost everywhere. You just can't seem to get away from them. I do not think of myself to be better than these girls in any way, shape, or form. However, I have very strong beliefs when it comes to how I act and how I represent my gender when I act a certain way. This being said, I just want it to be clear that I am not saying I am better than anybody, but I am saying I do not think of myself as the stereotypical girl of Generation Y. And that is very important to me.

A lot of these girls actually think of themselves the same way I think of myself. Not like "them." But I assure you, they are sadly mistaken. It is a sad thing that we even have this stereotype about being a young female that has presented itself as something girls must fight against for much of their young lives. But the reality of things is that it exists. So deal with it. You can only pretend so long.

I have been thinking a lot about this over the weekend, because of what happened a couple nights ago when I was out and about. I remember retelling the story of events that night to my lovely roommate just the other day, and she was listening to my every word as if she were watching a suspenseful movie just about to reach its climax and change the world we know forever. Dripping with drama.

I arrive at my really good guy friend's place. I found him and we hugged and said salutations, the usual. Then he told me to go set up for a game we were going to play and he'd be there in a minute to join me. So I'm waiting. Then I look over and I see this random girl walk up to him and start doing what can only be described as a desperate attempt to get a guy's attention and somehow fulfill her slutty quota for the night. Ew. The only thing is, he's not stopping it. Cool. A girl that I only assume is a friend of said desperate girl comes over to me and asks me, "hey are you and that guy together?" I look at her. I make up my mind very quickly to not be THAT GIRL that thinks she possesses something that she really doesnt. I say, "no we are not together. I don't want her dancing with him though." I felt it was a good representation of my complicated thoughts at the moment. She walks away. My guy friend finally snaps out of it and walks over to join me at our game. We're getting things ready, when all the sudden said desperate dancing girl pushes me out of the way and stands inbetween me and my guy friend so that we can't stand next to each other. I kindly say, "excuse me, this is my friend, we're playing right now." She turns to me and shoves me further away and goes, "He's MY partner. GO AWAY." She literally shoved me. I want to explode, but I try to kindly tell her to move away so we can play our game and she can play next, and she grabs my guy friend and nuzzles close to him as she forcefully tells me that she is playing with him, not me. My guy friend says and does nothing.

This does not make me feel good. I hold back tears, and walk into my friend's room and shut the door so I can be alone because I feel like I'm about to cry. A second later, all the sudden the door is flung open and in walks in another girl. She stands very close to me and yells, "HEY, what's the problem?!" I tell her very calmly, "there's no problem, a girl was not being very nice to me and shoved me and it was very rude." The girl then explains to me that that's her best friend and somehow felt the need to assure me several times that she's "NOT A SLUT" and that I need to keep my mouth shut(uhh?). This is perplexing, stupid, and annoying to me. I tell her calmly, "That's fine. But your friend shoved me out of the way and it was just really uncalled for and unnecessary." Apparently that just set her off. Apparently she doesn't respond well to calm, chill, laid-back, nice girls. Because, next thing I know, this girl GRABS my chin and pulls me close to her face (what?!), yells some garbage at me about being a b*tch, then PULLS MY PONYTAIL HAIRBAND OUT OF MY HAIR and THROWS IT ON THE GROUND. I look at her and I'm like, "excuse me?! get away from me!" and I walk out of the room and back to where everyone else is. I pull my guy friend aside and try to explain to him what just happened, and I'm holding back tears again, and he is completely belligerent and just looks at me and goes, "Emily. You need to leave. Just leave." I grab my purse and I am out of that place faster than you can say "Unbelievable."

The worst part is when I am walking out of the door, I turn back as it opens again and the mean girl who pulled my hair out is standing at the door, waving at me, and says, "Bye!!!"

I wrote about this because this is something I have never experienced before. I have never felt what I felt on this night after having these random, slutty, disrespectful, gross, b*tchy girls attack me when I did absolutely nothing to provoke them, nothing wrong, and pretty much nothing at all but come over to MY friends of 2 and a half years and hang out.

So I stand strong on what I put as the title of this blog: There are some people I never want to be like. And those girls are those people. Unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE.

crown me nothing.

2008-09-28T14:50:00.003-07:00

What constitutes a validated meltdown exactly?

where is my God and Savior in these dark times?

I choose not to respond to the prodding questions and condescending remarks.

this year, I have a backbone.

when did marriage become a fad?

every day I live, I gain a deeper understanding of the expensive world we live in, and every day I hate it even more than the day before.

What makes money the god of this underworld and how do we stop it?

who decided money is enough to destroy lives of beautiful people?

I say, hell no.

No, I do not want to leave my home here and go where you are and where you now are calling "home", because it is not MY home and it never will be. It will always be the place you now stay, just a place, nothing more nothing less. Never home.

bye.

"you caught me off guard, now i'm running and screaming."

2008-09-15T20:09:00.002-07:00

this is the point where I have to re-group, evaluate, and re-strategize... using all the tools I became equipped with over this past summer. Life is moving very fast, and has been for a while now. The constant high speed has been manageable, but I'm running out of gas. So now I need to fill back up, before I get to empty and hit rock bottom again. I never want to hit rock bottom again! That's why I have preventative measures up my sleeves that I will now pull out and use.

I will never get used to taking all of my medicines and pills. Especially my kidney stone disease medicine. I absolutely hate having to take 6 pills every single day, knowing that if I don't, it could cost me a lot of pain and a lot of problems I definitely don't need on my already full plate right now. And it's worse, because I faithfully take my medicine, but I still already have been passing several stones over the past couple weeks. Last night was the worst... I thought I was going to have to go to the ER, but I just toughed it out for 3 hours total of constant pain. It forced me to take my prescribed pain medication, which I hate doing because it knocks me out so I am like a vegetable pretty much and can't do a thing. But I really couldn't take any more pain... it was just draining me and draining me. The pain med knocked me out so much I did have to miss my early morning class, but I tried with all my might to get out of bed and move on with my day and go to my other 3 classes. It was so hard walking to class, when I just wanted to fall over and sleep for like an entire DAY, but I reached deep inside myself and pulled out the strength that God fills me up with when I am so weak and frail. He is my everything. I couldn't get through these days without Him and without the strength he lets flow through my fragile human body.

I'm just starting to feel really weary from moving at such a fast pace for a while now.... I want things to slow down, but I can't change what happens around me. All I can do is change how I react to them and how I manage it all.

So that's exactly what I'm going to do. And no one can bring me down. I'm doing my best and I'm doing all I can to stay on top of things, and that's all I can ask of myself and all anyone else can ask of me. I'm not worried about what other people think and what other people say about me-- that's their problem. I can only control my own behavior and speech. Otherwise, you end up being controlled by everyone and everything around you.... and that is not a good thing- trust me I know this.

that's the update as of right now. Rock on.

"You are the strength that keeps me walking."

2008-08-13T23:46:00.003-07:00

things going on in my life are still just as hard and just as bad. but you know what? my life is great right now. it's great because i'm learning that the stuff that happens to us is not what defines how we live our lives. it's how we manage the bad stuff. you can have tons of crappy circumstances and situations hitting you hard all at once for year and year after year until the day you die, but the second you begin to know how to manage it, even though the situations and problems themselves do not go away or change, suddenly life is so much better!

divorced parents? check
losing the house i grew up in? check
therapy? check
depression? check
addictive tendencies? check
chronic kidney stone disease? check
broken relationships? check
best friend moving away? checkkk
co-dependency issues? check

it's all there, it's all going to be there, it all sucks and it's painful, it lasts a long time, it all happens at once, it's crushing! but the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. He has given me so much strength! I feel so, so strong. I feel strong and confident as I move back to Ames and begin a tough semester of school and work and all the stress that comes with it.

:) and most of all, I am happy.

to live is to learn.

2008-08-09T16:08:00.002-07:00

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

Sometimes the best thing to do about something is to do nothing.

"You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains."

Sometimes people will just never understand what you're going through. After all, we are a flawed human race, and if we understood EVERYTHING then we'd by just like God.

"There are certain people you just keep coming back to."

It's ok to keep caring for someone, but removing them from your life at the same time.

"I would've stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life."

We can't save the people around us. We can only influence. The rest is God's job.

Some people get to a point where they literally cannot go on caring and watching someone they love go through painful things. I think these people are people that have not experienced extremely painful things themselves. That's why there are other people to lean on that do know what it's like.

"and when it rains on this side of town, it touches everything."

some people go through storms all their lives. some people will only feel a light sprinkle their whole lives.

--just things i've found to be true.

Let Go.

2008-08-02T00:04:00.003-07:00

lately i've found myself thinking, "why are they doing that!? why are they acting like that?!!!" and being really perplexed trying to understand why one of my friends is doing this and why another is doing that. it's frustrating when you really can't understand no matter how hard you try. i guess i try to do it because i want to be able to relate and learn more about relationships. but i must say, i think it's weird how much thought goes to wondering about other people...wondering about things i see... wondering about what goes on between people around me. it's weird because i just flipped my perspective around and realized that people do the same thing to me. they look at me acting a certain way and just go, "what??????" and don't get why i do this or why i say that. and i would tell them, hey if you don't get it, that's ok. but don't stay up at night thinking about how frustrating MY life may be in your mind. you obviously don't think the same way i do in ALL issues of life. duh. even if we're really good friends, and we have a connection, and we've been through lots of stuff together, and have a great relationship.... that doesn't mean everything is always going to be understood between each other.

for the first time ever in all my 19 (almost 20!) years of existing, i've learned how to let go of someone. i've actually been able to let go. that's... HUGE, for me. I always let the people around me control the way i think and act and speak. like with my parents, usually i let them walk all over me because i really am respectful towards them with my attitude and i really want to honor God's commandment to honor my parents. but i've had a lot of practice lately in balancing a respect and honor for my parents, with being brave and standing up for myself, and being able to be an adult and an individual. that's just been a crazy roller-coaster ride. but, back to the letting go thing. actually, i've let go of 2 people. 2 really big people. one, an ex-boyfriend that cheated on me and honestly controlled everything i did and said and felt. man i needed to break those chains off SO BAD! and they're finally broken. the other, a good friend who is always critiquing me and advising me, but never takes a dose of his own medicine. these are very important steps in my process of getting back to a healthy state of mind and successful person. all of the credit goes to my Lord, my Father in heaven, my Savior, Jesus Christ.

the nature of sin, ever since the fall of Adam and Eve, has been our sinful desire to be independent from God and do things our own way. I really let that sink in the past few weeks. How do I try to be independent from God in my own life, right now? well, for the longest time, I've tried to let go of these painful relationships with my own strength, with my human mind, my own free will. and it's great to know i have the free will to choose whether to follow myself or follow the God who made me, but i choose to give it all up to God and let Him control my life- since He's the one who knows what's best for me and knows the plan for my life, why would I take the reigns and do it myself, when me taking the reigns ALWAYS ends up in turmoil. ALWAYS. God is trying to restore my life to what He designed it to be. Why do I try to get in the way all the time? He is the ALMIGHTY GOD! ugh! it's infuriating thinking of my own crazy logic sometimes..... how I think I am just SO smart and so capable of being the god of my own life. I carry the generational sin that came to be with Adam and Eve. I know it, and this is what I'm choosing to do about it. What about you?

I've had such an awesome last couple of weeks, deepening my relationship with God. Tim spent a lot of time talking with me about a lot of stuff, many times over the past weeks, and it charged me up inside. I believe God used Tim to help spur me on in my spiritual awakening. He is such an amazing guy. Anyway, it's been awesome! I've been given such clarity in things that were so cloudy and foggy to me before. I know spiritual peace like I've never known before. With all the craziness in my life, there is no way I could ever say that with confidence without some kind of insanely magical thing helping me- aka Jesus Christ and his Holy Spirit working inside of me. blahhhhh. i cant even begin to explain it. God is just da bomb.

it's finally August........ oh my gosh. 15 days til I move back to Ames. PLEASE PRAY I CAN LAST. i'm serious.

Part 1 of spiritual growth.

2008-08-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

I've been reading this book that Tim recommended, and it's called "God's Big Picture," by Vaughan Roberts. Basically, it is amazing. I am learning so much and growing deeper in my relationship with God, as I seek to know Him more and know His Word better. I wake up every day thirsting to know more about my Creator. I have read about 80ish pages so far, and this is what I've gotten from it so far:

-The Old Testament
1. the pattern of the kingdom
2. the perished kingdom
3. the promised kingdom
4. the partial kingdom
5. the prophesied kingdom
-The New Testament
6. the present kingdom
7. the proclaimed kingdom
8. the perfect kingdom

-the kingdom of God= God's people in God's place under God's rule and blessing.

-The Bible...
contains 66 books written by about 40 humans authors over nearly 2,000 years
has 2 main sections... Old and New, written in 2 main language... Hebrew and Greek
includes mixture of types of literature
39 books in Old, written 3rd century B.C.
27 books in New, written 1st century A.D.
Gospels are four accounts of the birth, life, teaching, death and resurrection of Jesus.
Acts, written by Luke, records the spread of the good news of Jesus after his ascension into heaven.
The Epistles are letters written mainly by Christ's chosen apostles.
Paul wrote Romans to Philemon.
but New Testament also contains letters from Peter, John, James, and Jude.
No one knows who wrote to the Hebrews.
Revelation is John's vision described.

-Just as the Lord Jesus was both fully human and fully divine, so the Bible is both a human and a divine book.
-it is united by ONE author= GOD.
-ONE subject= Jesus Christ and the salvation God offers through him.

-God's plan
-Old Testament: Promise
-New Testament: Fulfillment

-the way you read a book depends on the kind of book you think it is.
-the Bible is ONE book.
does not contain isolated sayings
each verse needs to be understood in the context of the chapter in which it appears
God's kingdom is the binding theme of the whole Bible
God's covenant promises ARE kingdom promises (some people think they are separate)

-There has never been a time when God, the three in one, was not.
-the Bible never allows us to rank the spiritual above the physical. Matter matters because God made it; it is 'good'.

"Human beings are animals. They are sometimes monsters, sometimes magnifcent, but always animals."
-but... WE alone, of ALL God's creation, have been made IN HIS IMAGE.
-we are made BY God and made LIKE God.

-'Rest' is the goal of creation.
-God's law is not oppressive; it is for our good.
-Man is created first, then the woman as his helper. Man is the LEADER in the relationship, but his authority is not ABUSED and the woman doesn't RESIST it. They enjoy marital bliss. They have complete intimacy WITHOUT fear or guilt.
-part of the purpose of the Sabbath law was to remind the Israelites that that is ultimately what life was designed for, rather than the concerns of the present world.
-we can experience something of that rest even in this fallen world.

-Satan is powerful, but not equal to God.
God alone is eternal
Satan is therefore a created being, but then must have rebelled against God.
-it doesn't matter whether or not we understand where evil comes from, but it is important that we know if its existence.

-Adam and Eve's FALL:
their sin is that of law-making, not just law-breaking.
they were saying, "from now on, God, we want to be the law-makers in the world, setting the standards by which we live."
usurping His authority and establishing their independence from Him
this has been the nature of sin EVER SINCE.
relationships between men and women is forever broken... the perfect trust and intimacy have now gone.
God tells the woman of sexual desire and a longing to take control over her husband
she will no longer submit willingly to his lead and he will no longer exercise it in the loving, self-sacrificial way that was God's design
the old innocence is gone... and by nature when he calls us back into fellowship with him, we always run away.
God's warning was not a mere THREAT. he carried out their spiritual death just like he said would happen to them.

once the vertical relationship with God has been broken, it is inevitable that horizontal relationships with one another will be broken as well.
so it is not a surprise that the first murder happens shortly after the fall
-Cain kills his brother Abel
-so the Lord created the great flood
it was a reversal of creation, a return to chaos
-then the Tower of Babel was built
it was a symbol of our sinful desire to exalt ourselves and be independent of God
-so God scatters people throughout earth and gives them different languages-- DIVISION among people, not just between us and God.

-God's motivation for rescuing the world was not, first and foremost, to make us happy -- although that is certainly one final result.
-rather, He is seeking to restore thing to the way they should be.

-God is in the center of the world that he has made
-but since the Fall, humans have refused to accept his right to be there and have tried to depose him.
-the results have been catastrophic
-when the King is in the middle, everything else falls into place.

SIN ---------> JUDGMENT-------------> GRACE.

-After killing Abel, Cain is driven into exile. But God does not completely abandon him. He places a protective mark on Cain and promises that anyone who kills him will himself be judged.

-Covenant= a binding agreement
-'testament' is another word for covenant
-a solemn committment
-appears 285 times in Old testament, 33 times in New.

Noah Covenant. sign= a rainbow
Abrahamic covenant. sign= circumcision
Mosaic covenant. sign= the Sabbath
New covenant. sign= baptism

-The promises Abraham received: people, land, and blessing.
people: "I will be your God, and you will be my people."
land: the promised land, Canaan.
blessing: through Abraham's descendants, "all people on earth will be blessed."
-the curse of the fall would be replaced by the blessing of salvation
-Abram ('exalted father') changed to Abraham ('father of a multitude').

-the history of Israel from Abraham until the high point of the monarchy under Solomon
-period of over 1,000 years
Genesis 12-Exodus 18
the 'people' promise
Exodus 19-end of Leviticus
the 'rule and blessing' promise
Numbers-Joshua
the 'land' promise
Judges-2 Chronicles
the 'King' promise

the patriarchs: Abraham and Sarah, then Isaac and Rebekah, sons are Esau and Jacob. Jacob has 12 sons, one being Joseph.

Ephesians 2:8-9
"it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast."

'Isaac'= "he laughs"

-God tells Abraham to sacrifice Isaac
-Abraham, full of grief, but obeys and has faith.
-God provides him with a ram at last minute to sacrifice instead of Isaac.
*Trust in the gospel promises EVEN WHEN we cannot understand what God is doing in our lives.

-Jacob tricks father Isaac into giving HIM his blessing instead of older son Esau
-God does not choose people on merit.

-Jacob has 12 sons
Joseph is his favorite, and all other brothers are jealous
brothers sell Joseph as a slave and tell Jacob that he is dead
Joseph ends up in Egypt and in prison for something he did not do
-Is God really in control????????? YES!
Joseph interprets the Pharoah's dreams and he is released and made Prime Minister of Egypt
Canaan is threatened by famine and so Joseph's brothers go to Egypt for help... and run into Joseph!
Joseph helps them, and it results in the preservation of God's people
***God always overrules to ensure that his gospel promises are protected.
-we may not always understand how he does that.

I love listening to Explosions in the Sky ALL THE TIME. :)

2008-07-28T23:35:00.004-07:00

It is amazing how much you can learn in just a few short days. I actually credit most of my enlightenment to the books I have been reading and am reading currently. Which, of course, is driven by my desire to seek God. Because anything else would, in the end, be worthless and meaningless. But seeking God...and seeking Him first, well that's just everything in this life. I love the gift of literature to this world. I love that it can be used as a tool to deepen our understanding, appreciation, and knowledge of God and His Word.

In opening my eyes to see what God wants to reveal to me, I'm finding I ask the question, "why?" less and less. Why me, Why did this happen, Why is this person doing this to me, Why did you let this continue, Why? Instead, more and more, I say, "ok this is happening or this happened, and that is ok. This is how I am going to choose to respond and react."

If you are an alcoholic or a cocaine addict or a sex addict or a cutter or WHATEVER......When asked who you are, do not answer "I am an alcoholic." Because you are not an alcoholic. That is not who you are. That does not define you. Who you are, is who GOD SAYS you are. God says you are His chosen ones, His child, His son or daughter, His beloved. God's truth says who I am and who you are. Not your best friend, not your enemy, not your parents, not your professor, not your roommmate, not your boss, not your boyfriend or girlfriend or latest crush. GOD'S WORD says who you are.

Sometimes I don't even realize that I have begun to let the world around me TELL ME who I am. I listen to the world, and the world says, "if you mess up, you are bad, you are a failure." my dysfunctional family legacy has taught me, "if you disappoint someone, then you are a disappointment, and you must punish yourself for that." And I don't even think about the millions of times I have read the same verses in the Bible OVER and OVER again that tell me, "You are the daughter of the King," and, "you are a child of Light," and, "you are not an orphan because God has adopted you into His family and You are loved, every part of you, all of you, He loves you." Because if I really believe what I believe, then I will not do the things I have been doing whenever something hard in my life hits me, even when something not so hard happens.

So many times.....scratch that- almost EVERY time the opportunity arises for me to choose how to react to something that happens in my life (anything, just anything), I go from the activating event straight to my reaction. Sure, I think about things. Some more than others, some less. But my emotions override my thoughts almost 100% of the time. I think I'm thinking, but I'm really just feeling and thinking about how I feel. I never stop to think about WHAT I BELIEVE, and how that is what I should base my reaction off of.

We act the way we act because of how we believe what we believe.

Faith is how I live, it is what I do. I live by faith because I believe in God's truth, I trust in His promises, I hope for an intimate relationship with Him to keep growing and to continue deepening. I love the people around me the way that I love them because God loves me and I believe that. I truly, truly believe that. I believe that God has given me the gift of joy. So why have I let Satan stifle my amazing gift of laughter and smiling and zeal for life and people? Maybe because I really haven't believed it all this time. Maybe I'm starting right now.

Romans 12:1-2 says to not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. For the past year, I have had horrible, disgusting, painful lies swarming around in my mind, and they have tried to overcome my faith in Jesus Christ. Satan has been twisting the truth in my head for far too long. It has caused so much destruction and devastation in my life, and I've had enough. It is time to change the lies in my mind from the world and from Satan to God's truths. And there is no better place to look for God's truths than in His Word, the Bible. And thus, the renewing of my mind journey begins.

So far, it's going great.

injury update.

2008-07-27T13:35:00.002-07:00

Collisions that occur during sporting events, slips, falls or automobile crashes can all have a damaging effect on your neck and back. These types of collision-related injuries are often called a "whiplash."

The resulting instability of the spine and soft tissues can contribute to headaches, dizziness, blurred vision, pain in the shoulders, arms and hands, reduced ability to turn and bend, and low back problems. As the body attempts to adapt, symptoms may not appear until weeks or even months later.

A common result of acceleration/deceleration injuries is the loss of the normal forward curve, causing chiropractic, orthopedic or neurological examination findings.

When the head is suddenly jerked back and forth beyond its normal limits, the muscles and ligaments supporting the head and spine can be stretched or torn. The soft, pulpy discs between spinal bones can bulge, tear, or rupture. Vertebrae can be forced out of their normal position, reducing range of motion. Even though the car may have received little damage, occupants can suffer serious spinal injuries.
-------------------

My neck injury from my car accident is getting increasingly worse. I hope it can be fixed.

You are the best one, of the best ones. We all look like we feel."

2008-07-25T12:13:00.004-07:00

he sees himself so righteously
a diamond in an emerald sea
but while he's playing power chords
true love will pass him by.

he knows exactly what he wants
his charm deceives and taunts
but while he whispers in your ear
true love will pass him by.

he has the gifts and talents
but uses them for accomplishments
while he twists and manipulates
true love will pass him by.

he weakens for the pretty girls
and plays with their fancy curls
while darkness pulls his desire
true love will pass him by.

he takes everything that they had
enjoying them just like a fad
while he feeds upon her innocence
true love will pass him by.

he knows just what you want to hear
he knows how you want him to appear
and while he lies and smiles
true love will pass him by.

how many times do you have to slam
straight into a brick wall
over and over and over again
before you make a change.....

yeah, this really happened.

2008-07-24T13:48:00.003-07:00

This is my Scrubs moment of the day. You know how J.D. ends every episode with some kind of inner monologue reflection, usually with flashbacks or showing the scene while his voice continues... hahahaah, yeah this is mine.

the chasm that is great disappointment opens up and grabs me. is it over? is that it? and you're supposed to be the one i can count on? but then my friend showed me exactly why we have held onto each other all these years. in one moment, i knew why i loved her so much and cared so intricately for her.

I'm SO sorry. -Apology.

You didn't deserve that at all. -Compassion.

I am so, so, so sorry I didn't say anything. -Affirmation.

I hated every second of it, sitting in the back that whole time I just wanted to vomit. -Mutual Pain

I b*tched her out when we got in my car. I seriously yelled at her, you NEVER talk to my friend like that. Never. -Justice

I am so, so, so, so sorry. -Reaffirmation.
---

A picture of standing up for what's right. That's why I love her.

more.

2008-07-23T16:34:00.003-07:00

aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

is it all just about making plans and having a fun time? is life just what you DO? and how much FUN it was? It that what makes it all worthwhile. Huh.

maybe i'm a little tired of "making plans". maybe it all seems so superficial and empty and disgusting.

i'm a hermit sometimes.

life is more.

"...could you show me dear, something i've not seen, something infinitely interesting?"

2008-07-21T20:45:00.002-07:00

"A Boy, Part I"

sometimes i cry so hard for you
and as the tears fall, i'm angry
angry that you aren't here to catch them
confused that i still want you here now

i shouldn't wish for you to wipe away the pain
shouldn't wait for these things to change
but here i lie in bed...
here the endless cycle begins

now that it's been a while
i'm writing letters to you again
letters that will never reach you
no, never will i reach you

now that it is certainly over
i wonder how it all happened
how did i push you so far away
while you were holding me so close?

sometimes it hurts me still
how hard i fell for you...
when in the end it was nothing
in the end it was less than nothing.

----

"A Boy, Part II"

do you see the trail you've left behind
what a legacy, oh what a life
strong debut for the opening show
bright lights, fireworks, you had it all

i'm afraid the impression you made is lasting
pressing down upon me for all this time
like a drug you remained deep within my blood
long after the beautiful trip had even begun

your premiere was undoubtedly impressive
yet lost its luster in the brewing storm
like the caffeine pulsating in my vessels now
you gave it your all just to let it all crash down

do you see the way you left me behind
what an epic fall, oh what a twist
thunderous applause and i'm at the door
glancing up at the man i thought you were

as you bow for the final curtain call
you look towards the audience with a smile
but i'm already gone, i figured it out
i know i'm better off without you after all.
----

the end for now.

opinions.

2008-07-11T15:38:00.003-07:00

i'm being a bit opinionated today. i don't care....

first of all, i really want EVERYONE to STOP talking badly about Bekah towards me. She is not a perfect person but i'd be really surprised if anyone else on this PLANET would call themselves perfect. i'm seriously sick of people bringing up past mistakes she and i have made together and not believing that i am a strong enough person to change. i am extremely protective of that girl for a lot of really good reasons, and i won't let one more person attack her name. she has been a friend to me when literally no one else would be, tried to be, or cared to be, and no matter what your opinion of her is, i love her and accept her for who she is, flaws and all. that's the picture of Christ's love for us. PERIOD.

secondly, i'm sick of girls being slutty. i'm sick of ex-girlfriends trying to get to me. i'm sick of girls named Rachel. i'm sick of Christian girls who parade their bodies around even though they claim to follow God and His Word, yet don't think the way they dress themselves is specifically targeted in the Bible even though it is. or they do know it's in the Bible, yet continue to dress with the attitude 'hey boys come and get me, but i'm a nice Christian girl". i'm sick of seeing hypocrisy and immodesty and immorality within the Church.

thirdly. i do not think it is right for others to expect recovery in any way, shape, or form from a person who can hardly manage their day-to-day life. are you that selfish, naive, or idiotic to not see when a person is truly struggling just to LIVE? and how dare anyone spend their time pointing out this struggling being's flaws when you have heard from their very mouth the pain they are in EVERY DAY. honestly how self-centered can you be.

i'm realizing that, in discovering what i truly believe as an individual, i have very different views on the things of life than a LOT of people. i'm confused because what i believe really does seem RIGHT to me, based on what I read in the Bible. and i'm confused that other Christians do not share these views with me if they are reading the same Bible as me.

i'm frustrated.

W.I.P. = work in progress.

2008-07-02T16:00:00.002-07:00

gnawing at the heart on which you tread
a silent killer chains me to my bed
rigorously clawing until blood be shed
i'd rather sleep on than recall what you said

if malice were gentler and lesser in weight
it would still my blood the same at any rate
though death be not the most troubling fate
the pain in love is an overwhelming trait

words that drown out every breath i take
haunting me in my sleep and when i wake
i swallowed them numbly oh what a mistake
now they control me and deepen my heart's break.

... that's all. blah.

"...water's getting harder to tread, with these waves crashing over my head..." -lifehouse

2008-05-29T22:35:00.003-07:00

The place we are at right now in our lives is exactly where we are supposed to be. Sometimes that's hard to swallow. It doesn't go down so easy. It gets stuck in your throat and tightens up. It hurts. What if the place you're at is totally awful? How can that be the way your life is meant to go? A few tears every now and then never hurt anybody, and everybody knows deep down inside that the hard stuff in life only makes you stronger and better.

The thing is, sometimes a few tears turn into a flood. A flash flood. And it's apart of an even bigger storm. With crashing waves and slicing wind and crushing hail. So once you start to let it sink in that this storm that has taken over your life is actually not a detour from "The Plan", an off-road accidental short cut that took you off the REAL road you're supposed to be driving down, but it is actually 100% right where you are supposed to be. You're supposed to fall down hard and cut your knee and cry because it hurts. You're supposed to get angry at a loving God who seems so bent on hurting you. You're supposed to feel. You're supposed to sit alone at night and hate what's happening.

But, you see, there's so much more. And we spend so much time neglecting that. I look at life and think: More. Because if you think of it any less of a way, what's the point? you're hurting and you're miserable and you hate your life- then just end it. what's the point of getting up in the morning if life is just life and you're just existing because you happen to be here and you might as well get what you can out of it while you're here.

I don't know how long I'll be in this storm. I can't see God's purpose for all of this pain being thrust upon me time and time again. I know it's there- I know He's got something in store for me... but I don't know when and I don't know what. I just know He's here with me through it all. That's faith, and that is something I have never lost and never will. Because it is a choice. And it is a practice. And no matter how close I get to death with all the mistakes I make and wrong turns I take, I choose life and freedom through the Son. I may lose my sanity at times, I may lose control of my actions, I may lose my good judgment, I may lose my zest for life, I may lose my joy..........but I will never lose faith. I believe in MORE.

Growing up is interesting when it comes to me in particular... because I am not necessarily the most independent 19-year-old you'll meet, and I am not by any means even close to being wise and mature like the people you look up to in your life, perhaps your parents, a pastor, a friend..whatever. But, for some reason, I find myself thinking and writing about "growing up" a lot. I talk about my "growing up"-ness all the time. I wonder if it's because certain people's words left me broken over their perception of my behavior, and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces by proving them all wrong. Somebody very close to me once told me I don't know anything about what it means to be an adult. And that hurt me very, very deeply for some reason. This was recent, by the way. The truth is, I was forced to grow up in certain ways before I was ready. And that left me very confused and very broken.

How does a 14-year old girl live with a disabled father? I mean...how does a *20* year old girl live with her disabled father? How?? They function like a 5 year old yet have the body of a 50 year old. Life like this forces one to grow up in ways they should not have to grow up in yet. But there's no stopping it and there's no going back. Ever.

My life for the past 6 years or so has brought me to where I am now- wondering so many things... so many questions. Important questions.

How do you not let your parents' disintegrating marriage get you down and keep you down? How do you stop it from ruling your thoughts on love and marriage and commitment and promises? How do you guard your heart from the despair of seeing your parents interact with utter hate? Love is.... my whole WORLD summed up in one word. Love is ALL that matters. Love is where peace and kindness and joy and friendship and trust and humility and hope flow from. God is love. And yet, the most sacred love of all between a married man and woman, is thrown to the wind before my very eyes. It's terrifying. It rips me apart every day and every night I live. Honestly.

How do you trust someone who lied to you and broke your heart? How do you trust men in general with your heart and your thoughts and feelings ever again, after someone you thought would never hurt you... goes and emotionally cheats on you and thinks he can get away with the lies and the deceit without getting caught?

How do I accept the shortcomings of others, while I have so many of my own, yet not let them own me and push me around?

How do I get you to listen, to really.. listen?

Growing up and becoming an adult isn't about knowing what to do when trouble erupts. Being an adult is about understanding that you may not have the answers or the ability to resolve the hard things that come our way... but striving to do the right thing, always. Being an adult doesn't mean your life appears perfect to everyone else. It doesn't mean you don't have a drinking problem, or an addiction, or broken relationships. It's about an understanding of life that only comes from living, from time, from trial and error, from our experiences, from making decisions and making choices. That's what being an adult means. I may be 20, but I've been through more than most 20-year-olds... I'd put money on that for sure. I used to not be ok with that. But I am now. Why? Because this storm is right where I'm supposed to be.

"it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

2008-05-17T12:20:00.003-07:00

my dog of 13 years is dying and is being put to sleep in a couple weeks. sometimes when i come home at night and hear her tail wag against the carpet where she's lying, i just lay next to her and hug her and cry until my eyes dry up. i can't imagine her being gone. she's been the most loyal companion. ugh it kills me just thinking about it.

i just found out one of my best friends and my planned roommate for this fall isn't coming back to ISU because her parents won't let her. it's a total shock and neither of us saw this coming. now i'm roommate-less and wont have my best friend in my same major to be with me every day like we planned and were so excited about. i'm so upset, i haven't even begun to let it sink in completely.

my best friend here in wdm might be moving out to Colorado in the fall and living there. anybody else dear and special to me want to leave me? i mean, geez. i know this is just the kind of stuff that happens in life when you grow up and get older and friends get separated. all it means is you figure out ways to remain close even when far apart. ive had a lot of practice pretty much for the past 6 years of my life with that... doesnt make it any easier really, but, at least i know what to expect. i'm just really sad right now about everything.

not to mention i'm moving into a small apartment with my mom in a couple weeks, so my parents are actually separated pretty much and ill do the whole divorced kid thing now. even though theyre not officially divorced, it's basically the same situation.

I just don't know why God is letting all of this happen to me right now. I'm just gonna pray about it and trust in His will... i know everything will be ok... i'm just feeling all the sadness from it all, and i'm not sure how to go on like this. i have hope though.

"Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."

Learning is not for the faint of heart.

2008-05-10T21:43:00.003-07:00

I've been thinking, a lot. Here's the kind of stuff I've been throwin' around inside my brain.

do I feel like I'm behind because I dropped out of school for the semester? yes. am i still angry and bitter about my car accident happening the first week of classes? yes, i am still angry about the timing and bitter about how up in the air my injuries were following the wreck...because that's what caused me to have to withdrawal. If I could go back and change that, yes I would. I would have continued my education and already gotten a semester of classes in my new major under my belt. But now, I have to start this fall. That's ok though. I was refunded all of my money for the semester as of this week- and I can't tell you how amazing it felt to hold that piece of official paper from ISU in my hands, telling me all of the $2500 was my parent's money again. After so much crap I went through, I hated doing it, i absolutely HATED doing it...all the running around and getting these medical documents signed and seeing this doctor to get an official letter and having to explain over and over again what happened in the accident, and it finally paid off. All my hard work finally gets rewarded. Thank you God.

I may not have been studying for exams and writing essays and papers these past 4 months, but I have been learning about life. What is more important in the long run? Education, or Life? My answer is life, although education is very far up there. I have been taking tests of my own and writing important papers and seeing what grades I get for my work. I have failed several tests. I was surprised by some of these failing grades, I was hurt, I was upset. But in school, whenever I didn't do as well as I thought I would, I went through a short "grieving" process, then moved on and just tried to do better the next time. Thus is the way I must deal with life's failures. I've realized that just because things are not the way they OUGHT to be, in some perfect world with no sin and no pain and no shame, that it does *NOT* lessen my worth and value as a member of the human race and most importantly as a child of God. People like to think how things SHOULD be. How we OUGHT to act. That 2 + 2 ALWAYS equals 4 and if it doesn't, the world has ended. That not being where we think we're supposed to be, no matter what drives us to where we think we should be, somehow means we are inadequate, that we are the opposite of good, that we are in need of being rescued. Well, my journey through life has brought me to believe these are futile thoughts, aimless roads, and vain directions. There are no equations or formulas or scientific methods to get us to where we all desire to be and need to be.

Maybe this is easier for me to understand because of the way my mind works. My brain is heavily creative, artistic and abstract in its thought-process. I don't think in charts and graphs, or numbers and analytical geometry.

I've been failing a lot of tests lately, but unlike the Iowa State students who already had their final exams, MY final exam isn't set in stone yet. I still have time. I still have time to do extra credit and get more points and get my grade up to where I want it to be. Of course, I dont have all the time in the world... it's inevitably coming for me. But, I'm not going to freak out like I used to about these things. Maybe I am actually becoming an adult. That's my biggest test, if you haven't figured it out yet. And I'm trying to prepare for my final exam the best I can.

"I may have lost my way now- haven't forgotten my way home." -lifehouse

2008-05-04T18:22:00.003-07:00

Awesome night= good music, good fellowship, good coffee, good movie, good friends, good food, good weather, and GOOD conversation centered on GOD.

the good music was all thanks to James & James, the good fellowship came from spending quality time with Laura and all the other Salt go-ers who came to support James Squared, and the good coffee was compliments of Cafe Diem. The good movie was IRON MAN and I recommend it to anybody who likes action, comedy, and heroes. The good friends came from getting to spend the night around Zach, Aubrey, Steve and Mike. The good food came from deciding to go to Angie's Kitchen, this cute little breakfast place, at 2 a.m. and eating all the delicious breakfast foods you could think of (sausages, hash browns, eggs, omeletts, toast, french toast, etc.), and the good weather because it was a clear, pleasant evening- not too cold, not too hot, summer almost blowing into the midwest. the good conversation was the best part of the night. Zach, Aubs and I talked for what started out to be a little 10-minute thing, then turned into an hour and a half thing. The three of us have always had something special when we sit down and put our guards down and talk about what's going on and what's beneath the surface. It has been a while since all three of us had been able to do so, especially with me moving all over the place and changing locations and not being in school. But God brought us together again, and it was incredible what came from it. It pushed me to think about my goals for the next few months to come, and what I need to be working on and how I need to go about doing it. I honestly couldn't have gotten to this point of clarity amidst all the chaos in my life without the Lord speaking through Aubrey in such an encouraging, non-judgmental, loving way, and using Zach to really understand me and help me see the big picture and tell me I *CAN* do it. There's strength behind his words, and redemption behind Aubrey's. And that's all I really needed.

"I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive."

2008-05-02T11:19:00.002-07:00

These are things I love:
Paramore, my chiropractor Kory, seeing friendships last 4 years already and continuing, the musical Wicked, smelling summer in the air, learning patience, learning how to say "No, I'm not going to do it your way just because you tell me to and expect it," designing a line of clothes inspired by Hayley Williams, and last but not least... Scrubs. yup.

I was thinking before I fell asleep last night about who of my friends are going to be where for the summer. We're getting older. Moving away and moving on with our lives is a natural part of growing up. Most of the original posse is going to be in or around the Des Moines area. But several people whom I love very much are going to be far away. We've got Jamie at Eagle Lake in Colorado, Foster in Colorado as well, Austin in Missouri for Kanakuk, my darling Bekah is in Chicago as well as Steve, Kiki and Rhonda. Bryce is also in Missouri. Mel will be moved to her dad's in Florida. Brek will be in Wisconsin. Adam is still in North Carolina. Other friends are spread around Iowa, like Laura back in her hometown, Scott and Angie in Dubuque, Austin and Noel in Muscatine, Andrew B. and Alex S. in Clarinda. My sister, Adam H., Lindsey, Josh & Steve, and Mac are all in Ames. I think that's everybody who's not in the Des Moines area for the summer.

I am definitely thankful that Aubrey, Cort, Zach, Sam, Jared, James, Mitch, Matt, Brian, Kayla, Mike & Sarah, Tim, and JR will all still be around (I believe that's correct). Maybe more, it's hard to remember everybody. I really do have a lot of friends. A lot of good, good friends.

I am ecstatic for B Barker's Westwind church to start up in June! Seriously ecstatic. I see good things coming from this church plant.

Time to go lay around and be lazy on a raindy day. Peace and love!

The world is not enough for me.

2008-04-28T14:23:00.002-07:00

"You can take the world..... just give me You."

that's what I'm trying to live by every day. Because the world swallowed me up this semester, and let me tell you it is not the way to go. God is the only one we can count on NOT to let us down, not to hurt us, not to abandon us, not to damage us.

I didnt realize it, but I was living every day based on the acceptance of other people- even my very best friends. I wanted to be accepted and taken care of and loved, and that was it. Anything else went.

but the TRUTH is... I can still want those things- those are just universal things that all humans desire and need to live... but my ULTIMATE decision is to live every moment based on obeying, praising, glorifying, and living for the One who gave me life and has kept me alive this long, the One who loves my very inmost being and knows me more than anyone ever could.. my SAVIOR, my FATHER. Jesus Christ.

my heart will go on and on

2008-04-16T21:16:00.002-07:00

Cool. I'm just sitting here in my bed watching Titanic as my neck is numb and immobile at the time being because I am icing it. After seeing my Chiropractor today, I now must ice my neck every day and increase water intake to flush out toxins in the body. and I have the next 3 or 4 weeks already set up with weekly appointments with my chiropractor to get my back adjusted, to get muscle stem therapy, and have them monitor my neck and back trauma i received from my car accident back in January.

I'm also sitting here with this weird little mouth splint thing in my mouth, called an Aqualizer. My dentist gave it to me to wear for a couple hours at a time every day until my jaw pain stops. I have been having major, major jaw pain on my right side, horrible soreness all the time in the joint.. whenever i open my mouth to eat or yawn it just kills. So this splint they gave me is supposed to help with the soreness, because it makes it so my teeth are resting on these two little pillow-like bubbles, which decreases the pressure in my jaw and the pain. I hope that and taking advil three times a day like he told me to will do the job.

Oh, so. I've decided, that... I am probably never going to gain weight until I am pregnant. Seriously- me trying to gain weight is like trying to unite Democrats and REpublicans- it just won't happen. I have gotten smaller in like every area you can get smaller by losing weight, and I was already a toothpick to begin with. Blahhhh. Legs, stomach, arms, hips, blah. all of it.

i had a gift card for jordan creek town center that i got over Christmas, and I finally used it up today when I was back in West Des Moines! It was SO wonderful trying on billions of things and shopping and looking around and just being able to do something I havent been able to do for a very long time.... and still won't be able to do after this. I got 2 dresses from Forever 21 and a new hippie headwrap, a denim skirt, new sunglasses, and a really cute summer shirt from Delia's, and 2 new pairs of shoes from Payless. and i LOVE everything I got. And i really do look stunning wearing the stuff. yay. fashion! <3

im about to conk out. blah. night.

tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air...

2008-04-15T22:49:00.002-07:00

I'm just gonna throw some questions out there.

...do our scars ever go away? i mean, really?

...how do we keep trusting when doing just that leaves a person hurt over and over again?

...how do you just STOP feeling a certain way? like trying to stop a powerful waterfall from rushing down a mountain the way it naturally always has... is it even possible?

...why do we judge other people when we KNOW as Christians it says in the Bible only GOD can judge us?

...why did God make guys and girls SO different from each other?

...how do you trust men after being cheated on, lied to, and torn down? honestly.....how.

...when do you know who your soulmate is, and what if you already think you know who it is? do you keep it to yourself? do you wait? do you tell them? do you let it pass you by? do you do nothing? how do you know it won't change someday?

Ok enough questions for now.

My neck is in bad shape again from car accident trauma. It's amazing how by not dealing with the emotional pain, it physically affects you so many weeks after you think you're done dealing with it. but really, by pushing it out of your mind and not processing it completely, you're just putting off the total recovery and total healing process. So I have weekly chiropractor appointments now back in West Des Moines when I go back for my other appointments every week. I can't wait to see my chiropractor tomorrow and start working on recovering fully!

blah.

call me a little angry, whatever.

2008-04-15T13:37:00.002-07:00

"Hi, my name is ____ _______. I like to pretend I have your best interest in mind, but really I am just covering up how messed up my own life is and don't care one bit about yours. I also like to pretend I am one of the most righteous guys you'll ever come across, but really I am just a judgmental, narrow-minded LIAR who cheats on beautiful girls in order to assure myself that I am the shiz and they can't get enough of me, therefore I am in control and I get my way- which is really all I want. Do I feel bad about ruining their ability to trust men ever again? Most people probably would, but I am different, I am above all the rest, so no, I don't feel bad. I also really love to hear myself talk and, above all, be right. If someone interrupts me, I basically go ape-crazy on them and lose my temper and all gentleness I let you believe I have inside of me. Mostly, I just like to lead you to believe all these things I really am not, so when you figure out the truth, your life will pretty much be damaged forever and you're on your own to put it back together because I will somehow spin everything around to be ALL YOUR FAULT. I am one amazing guy, that's for sure. Have a great day. Love, ____ _______.

I'm alive

2008-04-14T20:57:00.002-07:00

Random thoughts:

I've never loved a job or group of people at a job more than I do at the Ames Express. and I also never thought I would ever truly get to this point, but I find myself increasing in my love and passion for fashion and being an associate with Limited Brands. It's so awesome!!!

I always enjoy getting my haircut, and not just like trimmed or barely cut.. but like going from really long to a lot shorter and what not, just to change things up! So that's what I did a couple weeks ago w/ Bekah, butttttt I already want my hair to be the long length it was before.. I miss it and can't wait for it to grow out again!

I'm kind of becoming a hippie with my style. Basically all of Veishea week, I was dressed all hippie-ish, it was awesome haha.. I love the vibe and people come up to me and ask me about it- it's sweet.

I had an Associate Observation Assessment today at work and it went super great, and I'm learning even more about managing a business like Express. It's amazing to me how much goes on and how awesome it feels to be apart of something so special.

I'm really stressed out about things back in West Des Moines. Our glen oaks home is in foreclosure and we'll lose it in a few months, but we need to be out as soon as possible pretty much. It's not so much a sentimental attachment to the physical being of the house itself, more so just the fact that I will once again be living in a new place and the instability is kind of getting to me. I've pretty much given up on "living comfortably" as I used to know it.. I mean I wouldn't say I'm living UNcomfortably, but I'm definitely not living like I used to. I just wish I could know right NOW where I will actually be living come May. I pray my mom finds an afforadable appartment... ugh.

I've decided that after slipping on some responsible and good decisions this past week, I'm going to change that immediately and not go back to it again. I just came to this point, driving back to my house at like 5 am, exhausted, where I literally asked out loud- "what am I... doing?!" I believe that's what you call conviction from the Holy Spirit, and I'm glad that my God cares for me enough to get through to us in those ways. Anyway, the partying life is STRESSFUL and EXHAUSTING. My life is stressful and exhausting enough already- I can have fun without drinking, I did it for 19 years of my life and proved it.

I had a really helpful talk with Shelli tonight after I got home from work. She really, really, really helped me put something into perspective that has been hurting me a ton lately. It still hurts a lot, but at least I know I will be ok someday.

Withdrawing from this semester at ISU was the best choice I've ever made. I've really been learning how faithful God is in taking care of His children, and taking care of me. Broken, messed up, disastrous ME. I've seen how obeying His will and trusting in Him really does make everything fall into place just how it's meant to. Like how withdrawing allowed me to focus on recovering from my car accident, and learning how to spend time taking care of myself and grow, and how to be free from the chains of lies that were holding me down in darkness. Withdrawing also led to freedom from a destructive relationship, as well as finding an amazing new friend and sister and future roommate. Withdrawing ALSO led to me discovering a new career direction and educational path- the fashion design industry.

basically, i love life.

fourweeks.

2008-04-10T13:57:00.001-07:00

And here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back
These words and hold our breath
Forget the things we swore we meant

I'll write you just to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

And here we go again
With all the things we did
And now I'm wondering
Just who would I have been
To be the one attached at all time to your hip
Forget the things we swore we meant

I'll write you just to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

I'll write you to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

Here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back...
-Paramore

Yeah.

threeweeksandoneday

2008-04-04T09:57:00.003-07:00

I usually remember dreams and nightmares in vivid detail, ever since I was just a wee little Emily. I wouldn't say any of my nightmares were "night terrors" or anything of that sort. I know I went through a phase growing up in which I was deathly afraid of our basement downstairs (in our old house) and I thought there were monsters whenever the lights were turned off in my room. However, I would conquer those fears by changing which bunk I slept on. Yeah. I had a sweet red bunk bed when I was little. And I geniously thought, that if I slept on the top bunk the monsters wouldn't be able to reach me- so I was in the clear and could sleep soundly. When I got a little older, I reasoned that monsters are actually very tall creatures and therefore would not see me if I were to sleep on the BOTTOM bunk, so I switched and eventually got over the fear of the dark and pretend monsters.

I've never really had that dream where you're falling. I've never had the dream when all your family members die. I've never had violent, bloody nightmares really.

But the past two nights, I have experienced the most terrifying nightmares I've ever had. Wednesday night, I actually woke up several times from the nightmares- one time I had tears flowing down my face. Another time I actually YELLED "no!!!!!!" really loud and then quickly realized it wasn't just in my sleep, but I had actually yelled out loud in terror, then I tried to fall back asleep. Then another time I awoke in a cold sweat. Over and over again, I dreamt of my car accident that occurred on January 16th this year.

Starting with the initial realization and feelings of your motor vehicle sliding out of control and fishtailing back and forth on a snowy interstate going 55 m.p.h. Then the wave of momentum that spun my car in a 360 degree turn, staring out my windshield at the semi-truck coming straight at me. 2 seconds later, the crunch, the deafening sound of metal on metal and seeing car parts flying off the front of my car. My car sliding to a hault right before smashing into the concrete guardrail in the middle of the interstate. Not being able to move for a minute, because I thought I had died. Then screaming and crying at the same time, becoming totally aware I was all alone. Somebody running over to my car. Not being able to open my driver's side door more than an inch because of the damage. This guy asking me over and over again if I was ok. Me looking at him and not really being aware that I kept saying, yeah, yeah i'm fine, i'm ok. Looking at this person and realizing he was not my sister or a friend or my mom and then immediately reaching for my cell phone to call them. My heat didnt work. The snow was falling outside and I began to shiver and didn't have anything for extra heat. I saw the semi-truck about a fourth of a mile down the interstate on the shoulder. I thought, did that thing just hit me? Traffic had slowed and cars were moving past me on the interstate, staring in at me as they passed, and I thought back to all the times I've driven by a car wreck and been the slowly moving car peering at the car wreck victims wondering what happened and if they were going to be ok.

The semi-truck moving fast. Trying to slow down. the hit. the sound. the silence and blur of what happened exactly after the collision. I have no idea what my body did or any memory whatsoever of the moment after it happened. I don't remember how my car slid from point A in the far left lane to point B on the median shoulder 30 feet ahead. Somewhere in there, my muscles tightened and didnt release until 1 month of physical therapy went by.

The past two nights I've been suffering in my sleep from these visions of terror. I woke up last night actually gasping out of fear of thinking a truck was actually going to smash into me in my sleep. I've been having pounding, migraine-like headaches and neckaches that might make me have to get more physical therapy. I guess trauma can come back to the body after it's "gone away" for a while.

I want my nightmares to stop. :(

Day6//2WeeksAnd1Day

2008-03-28T09:51:00.002-07:00

I love when things turn out so much better than you could have ever thought they would turn out. I love that people we meet at the beginning surprise us in the middle and end up nowhere near what you thought of them at the beginning.

My college fling during my freshman year was with a boy that seemed perfect for me at first, but it didn't end up working out. I was very heartbroken over this (but in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been AS hurt). For many months I was heartbroken... but I knew God had more in store for us, I just knew in my heart I had to just endure the heartache for the time being and wait for what's next. So, we continued being friends and grew closer over the months after we decided not to be boyfriend-girlfriend, even through the 3 months of summer break when he went back to his home in Chicago and I was in West Des Moines. And when we came back to ISU in the fall, it was like we picked up right where we left off and grew even closer. Over the past 6 months, we went through that whole thing where.. some rough things are going on for one of the friends, and the other friend is there for the struggling friend.. and by doing that the two friends have an even closer bond because of what they went through together.

The thing about this guy is that he is one of my friends that doesn't really choose to follow Christ. He believes in God and grew up going to church with his family and has good foundational beliefs, but anything beyond that is non-existent. He is also one of those guys that watches ESPN all day every day and knows every football and basketball player's names and stats and everything in the sports realm. Not exactly my cup of tea. I play sports vigorously and have always been a natural athlete, but that's all. He isn't loud and dominating. He sometimes is surprised when I go in for a hug. He doesn't get upset often, he doesn't show much emotion...ever, and we can go hours of sitting on the futon together watching a movie or tv and not say a word to each other.. but that's just how we are. that's just how HE is. talking about what's going on in our lives comes in small bursts, slowly. he's very even-tempered. knows how to fix just about anything. sharp as a nail. but laughs at the silly, stupid things i say and do and sarcastically jokes back and forth with me at every chance he can get. you might say we are polar opposites with a couple things in common. and somehow, he is one of my best friends i count extremely important and would do just about anything for.

And I never would have thought one year and 6 months later, we would be how we are.

"With my wide eyes, I've seen worlds that don't belong... Tell me why we live like this."

2008-03-22T16:02:00.003-07:00

So Jenny helped me figure out a really big part of who I am. First off, I fall perfectly into a category that is very common to youngest children who have or have had an alcoholic parent while growing up- always feeling like I have to help, always feeling like everyone else’s burdens are MY burdens. This is held ever so true for me, all my life. I never thought about how having an alcoholic parent when I was so young actually affected who I am to this day. It’s amazing how the way I am fits EXACTLY the characteristics that studies have found to be true over and over again with kids like me.

Then we talked about molds. Jenny told me that just by hearing me speak and talk to her, she can tell I’m an intelligent person (phew! good to know), she said that’s very evident. But she then said that whenever I’ve been talking about school things, it seemed very, very… forced. And she asked me why and what I thought about that. In my head at first I was like, pshh.. forced? whatever i'm a total school nerd... and then I realized that was totally false. I answered, “because I want to please other people.” She said, “it seems you try to fit into this certain mold that you really don’t fit into at all.” I’ve always thought that I had to be the A and B college student that breezes through school and excels in mostly everything and stays on track the whole time, stays clean and organized and always has an ambitious direction in mind. But you know what? That isn’t me at all. This whole time I’ve been disappointed in myself for failing a test or having a hard time in classes, and it’s because I was trying to be somebody I’m actually not. My whole life I have tried to fit into my sister’s mold, the way she’s always been with her place in our family- she, being the oldest, was thrust into the successful, achieving, independent, moving on with her own life type of mold. While I, as the youngest, am really not like that at all, but thought I had to be like that too… I thought I SHOULD be, and if I’m not like that I’m just a disappointment and have no worth.

That ties into the biggest thing I discovered. I have certain patterns in my life that have to do with disappointment. In my relationships with people especially, but also with all other aspects of my life. When I feel someone is disappointed in me, I take it in such a way that makes me get upset and overwhelmed, maybe angry, and ultimately I take ACTION and DO something as a result of feeling the weight of that disappointment. The same goes when I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I let people down and so I have to take the responsibility of punishing myself- that’s where my extreme behavior from the past 6 months came in and took over. I also have patterns of taking ownership of things I am not meant to own. When I know that somebody is upset or angry with me, or if something is wrong between us, I completely take it as my own failure, and it’s all my fault, it’s something I did and that’s all. I take full ownership of those problems ALL on my own shoulders. But the truth is, it’s not all my fault. Relationships are two-way streets and there is never an instance where I’m supposed to own everything that’s wrong and take it in and fix it myself.

This is the most interesting part.

Jenny asked me what do I value, and she was going to write down and just make a list of what I said. So, I told her these exact things- trust, honesty, love, faithfulness, joy, laughter, truth, kindness, loyalty, humility, hope, generosity. Then she asked me to think of instances in my life where I feel that heavy disappointment, things other than just in my relationships with people. So I used an example of getting a bad grade on a test or in a class, or even… having to drop out of college for this semester. (Months ago when problems first began, Jenny asked me what would be the worst thing that would happen. I said, "having to quit school." Look what happened.) I feel like I disappointed my parents, and myself. Like… I’m such a failure. And after listing off my values, she then asked me, “ok now where in your values does a bad grade or not being in school fit in?” And I thought for a moment…. Then it hit me, and I said, “it doesn’t.” So every time I hit a speed bump in life, particularly when I go through times of being physically sick and unwell, and I am lying in bed thinking, “I can’t get out of bed today,” or when I feel depression consuming who I am- I have to remind myself what my values are. Hope. Trust. Love. And then turn them into sentences-- I’m going to LOVE myself by getting up and making breakfast. I’m going to HOPE that if I just keep going things will get better. I’m going to TRUST myself that I AM capable of taking care of myself, I’m NOT helpless and powerless and going to let other people dictate my life for me... like I have for mostly all of my teenage and young adult years so far. Get it????

Another huge part of who I am. Because of these patterns I have, this makes me prefer the “beginnings” of things in my life, not necessarily the middles or ends. Because there’s no disappointment at the start of something new for me- I feed off of the challenge and the risk and the high energy and excitement that exist in the beginnings of things in my life. That is why all my life I jump from thing to thing, whether it be a job or where I live or what I do, or whatever. When I no longer have what I had in the beginning, especially when disappointment and those associated feelings enter in, I either quit and say no I’m done with this, or I go and withdrawal and isolate myself to kind of get me prepared to go back into it, but eventually…… I will change things… eventually it makes me ACT… and this makes me constantly want to be in another place in my life, so that I can have those “starts”, those “beginnings”, the freshness that comes along with it.

With my relationships though, those are very different. Because of what I value most about myself (trust, honesty, love, joy, laughter, loyalty, etc), this makes my interactions and relationships with people around me the most prominent part of what makes me who I am. Nowhere in what I listed as my values does it say “success” or “achievements” or “money” or “career” or “education” or anything like that. But in the ways that I love, share laughter, show loyalty to friends, am honest and trustworthy with people, that’s where I find value and worth in myself and my life. I think that’s why I will pretty much do anything to stay committed to people whether a boyfriend or a friendship or whatever…. And that holds true even if they don’t deserve my commitment. Does that make sense? I’m saying, sometimes I do it at the cost of… myself. Like if I’m in a bad relationship, I will hold onto it even when it’s destructive to my own life. I was explaining to Jenny how I just hate having tension between people, like it seriously makes me physically cringe knowing that someone might be angry or upset with me. And she let me say that and then quietly stopped me and said, “Emily. Sometimes people don’t deserve you to fix the relationship.” And I didn’t get it at first. I was like, no, I want to try my hardest to make sure things are good and sustained. And she was like, “ok. But, sometimes it’s best to just cut something off for good- because that person does not deserve you.” That was eye-opening for me. I will do anything to keep the peace and harmony in my relationships with people, anything to NOT disappoint, anything to help (characteristics of children with alcoholic parent). I will do anything to keep it together (so I do not get abandoned, my biggest fear, and so I do not lose value and worth in myself from not being loving, not being loyal, not being joyful, not being faithful in my relationships).

It’s crazy to me how this is all coming together in my mind, and my heart. I thought I had myself figured out so many times prior to this, and here I am still learning so much more than I ever imagined. There will be so many times in the future I will learn more about myself too, I’m finally letting that sink in. It’s great to know yourself the way you were made to be. It isn't pretty all the time and a lot of the times it's pretty messy, but hey at least i'm not boring. To keep increasing in knowledge of who you are, it brings great peace to one’s soul.

Restoration.

2008-03-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

Thank you Jared White for showing this to me-

Psalm 71

1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.

2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.

3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.

6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.

7 I have become like a portent to many,
but you are my strong refuge.

8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.

9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.

10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.

11 They say, "God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him."

12 Be not far from me, O God;
come quickly, O my God, to help me.

13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.

14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.

15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of your salvation all day long,
though I know not its measure.

16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.

17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your might to all who are to come.

19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?

20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.

21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.

23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.

24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.

Heart.

2008-03-17T12:19:00.001-07:00

"Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse:

"A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

She said if we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together

I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes."

The crash.

2008-03-16T11:41:00.001-07:00

"What you took"

my emotions
every day that goes by
that i don't see you
because you need space
every day that goes by
that you never call
you do nothing at all
to just see how I am

my utmost strength
every time i'm around you

my hope and my trust
you've thrown them to the wind
every time you were rude
and i held my tongue
every time you were unkind
and i turned the other cheek
every night i've prayed for you
asking God to bless your life

that is what you've taken.

singin' about what's real to me.

2008-03-14T19:26:00.002-07:00

What is home anyway?

Is it where you come from? That's not really a home. More like a lion pit as I remember it. It's sturdy and provides shelter of course, and it has beautiful surroundings, but as money is lost so is the building that we only possess as our home because of money. No money, no longer home.

Is it the dorms at college? Your floor bonds by having drinking parties and beer pong tournaments in the designated "party room". Someday you will get caught, someday it will be called alcoholism and it will destroy your family and your children. Or maybe your dorm really is your home, maybe the people there really do care. But you'll be moving out eventually. Probably in a year or two at most. Temporary.

Is it the place I'm staying now? A temporary basement apartment off campus with a family of 5? It's everything a home should be. It smells like one. It sounds like one. It's filled with love and craziness and the in-between. And yet, it's just temporary too.

What is home? Why do I feel homeless? When will I have a real home?

Tell me that.

twisting my stomach into knots

2008-03-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

So I realized something today.

I am still holding a lot of resentment towards the fact that my car accident happened the first week of the Spring semester. Not just resentment, sometimes I feel furious about it still.

I still wake up some nights seeing that truck coming at me. I still remember the sound of metal hitting metal, and the way time seemed to slow from the moment of impact to the moment I slid to a stop. I remember not remembering some moments at all, because I have blocked them out of my memory.

I'm still so angry that it happened in the first place. That it costs so much money to fix a messed up car or to buy a replacement car. That it caused so much stress on my life that I couldn't handle on top of everything else. That it made me have to leave school for the semester. That it made me have to run around getting forms signed and officiated and no one really seemed to know what they were doing. That no one seemed to understand how much it affected my life, they just figured oh well Emily is just dramatic and makes things into big deals. That 2 months later, I have to go to every place that treated me for injuries after the accident from here in Ames to Des Moines, and get them to release documentation of what happened and what tests were done so that Iowa State University refunds my mom her money for this semester. Wow.

I'm still angry that I had to move out of the dorms, that there was nothing I could do but submit to my circumstances and leave. I'm still angry that it seems like everyone around me had it WAY easier than I have had it, but no one else seemed to recognize that.

I need to let this anger out, but I don't know how. I'm just still so angry that I was driving on that stretch of the interstate at THAT minute the roads were so slick and I just HAD to switch lanes and that truck just HAD to be behind me in the lane I was sliding in and my car just HAD to make a 360 degree turn so I was facing it.

So angry.

"take these broken wings and learn to fly."

2008-03-13T23:51:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I just want to SCREAM because I feel so trapped and held down. Captive. Sometimes I just need the open road. Sometimes I need sunshine to brush my face to remind me I'm still alive. Sometimes I just need the window down to smell fresh air and remember to keep breathing. It's not about being discontent, it's about wanting MORE because you know there's MORE out there and it's there for you- waiting for you to jump into it and splash around. It's about knowing you are destined for great things, greater things than what you may be stuck doing right now. It's a thirst for life and love and joy and there's nothing wrong with it.

I need out of this place!

a beautiful disaster

2008-03-12T18:56:00.003-07:00

I have this overbearing feeling that because of my past, the adults and close friends who know what went on, have a heightened sense of concern and worry when it comes to me. This increases feelings of incapability, helplessness, and powerlessness. While concern is something I am grateful for from people I know who love me and just want the best for me, there comes a time when I must move forward and everyone else must also move forward, because if you don't then your worry becomes my fear. stop giving me looks that say you don't believe i am capable, because i AM capable. stop expecting me to fail, and stop expecting me NOT to fail as if it's the worst thing that could happen. Stop being so faithless. It does no help for the ones who have fallen and need to learn how to get up on their own, and it does no help for yourself because you become a doubting Thomas. Lamesauce.

These past 6 months have been the most horrific months of my 19 years of life, hands down. I have had one thing thrown at me after another after another after another- no break, no time in-between to recover and brace for the next one, just one shot after another wearing me thinner and thinner. And actually, that is not just in a metaphorical sense, but a literal sense too. Ever since my wisdom teeth removal surgery at the beginning of December, I had several things happened in a row that caused me to lose a great amount of weight (for someone as little as I already was). I tried and tried to eat enough to stop losing the weight, but it just couldn't be done. And now, here I am, and what just happened over the past 5 days?? A child passed on a lovely flu bug to me and had me hanging over my bed with my head in a wastebasket from 9:30 a.m. until 9:30 p.m. on Sunday. Fever, chills, muscle aches everywhere, chest pain, sore throat, exhaustion and fatigue. Needless to say, eating was a bit difficult when I would even puke up WATER. More weight was lost. My doctor already saw me last week and said my BMI is too low and gave me a certain amount of weight i HAVE to gain within the next 3 months. All of this has added up to a lot of frustration and stress. I hate that everywhere I look there is an advertisement for weight LOSS, when all I want and desperately need to do is GAIN.

I am one of those weird, artsy, creative souls... you know, the free-spirited kind that just wants to be free like a bird and be able to fly wherever it chooses and change its mind whenever it feels like changing its mind and just going wherever, whenever, doing whatever. I understand the reality of life is that there ARE limits. But when I start to feel like all I'm getting are limits thrown in my face, holding me down and holding me back, making me... stuck, I get so restless and just want to get free from it all. I'm open. I'm open in the way I relate to people, I'm open in the way that my emotions can be read by others, I'm open to new countries, new languages, new people, new ideas, new experiences. I love FRESH stuff. My energy comes from just having openness as an option. This doesn't mean I don't ever curl up with an old back I've read 50 times just to read it again, and this doesn't mean I don't want to keep and sustain relationships with people for the long haul- for forever. Because I do for both of those. But... give me ADVENTURE, give me FREEDOM, give me something that's not going to hold me in chains to where I'm at. The way I feel like I am right now.

That's why things have to change. I love change. I also hate it. but this time, I love it. I welcome it. I embrace it with both arms. I'm OPEN to it.

I'm finally figuring out who I really am, and who I've been all along.

10 Things I Hate About You

2008-03-12T09:08:00.001-07:00

you know the movie 10 Things I Hate About You? classic, right. The poem Kat reads at the end to Heath Ledger's character is amazing and I re-wrote it in... my words. enjoy:

I hate the way you control my emotions
and I hate that you don't stare.
I hate the way you look right through me
as if you don't even care.
I hate the dumb noises you make
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it hurts;
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it, I hate the way you always have to be right.
I hate it when you tell me only half the truth.
I hate how loud you make me laugh,
even worse how loud you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.

Captivating

2008-03-05T22:03:00.002-08:00

Captivating is a book by John & Stasi Eldredge, same author of the best-seller Wild At Heart. I am learning so much about being a woman, it's amazing. Things I never even though of before, things I have always felt but never understood before, or things I have always known and need constant assurance and affirmation. These passages have spoken to me in ways I can't even explain:

"Every woman I've ever met feels it-- something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone."

"Now, being romanced isn't all that a woman wants, and John and I are certainly not saying that a woman ought to derive the meaning of her existence from whether or not she is being or has been romanced by a man... but don't you see that you want this? To be desired, to be pursued by one who loves you, to be someone's priority? Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after. At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, watned, and pursued. We want to be romanced."

"We also developed ways of trying to get something of the love our hearts cried out for. The ache is there. Our desperate need for love and affirmation, our thirst for some taste of romance and adventure and beauty is there. So we turned to boys or to food or to romance novels; we lost ourselves in our work or at church or in some sort of service. All this adds up to the women we are today. Much of what we call our "personalities" is actually the mosaic of our choices for self-protection plus our plan to get something of the love we were created for.

The problem is our plan has nothing to do with God.
The wounds we received and the messages they brought formed a sort of unholy alliance with our fallen nature as women. From Eve we received a deep mistrust in the heart of God toward us. CLearly, he's holding out on us. We'll just have to arrange for the life we want. We will control our world. But there is also an ache deep within, an ache for intimacy and for life. We'll have to find a way to fill it. A way that does not require us to trust anyone, especially God. A way that will not require vulnerability.

In some ways, this is every little girl's story, here in this world east of Eden.
But the wounds don't stop once we are grown up. Some of the most crippling and destructive wounds we receive come much later in our lives. THe wounds that we have received over our lifetimes have not come to us in a vacuum. There is, in fact, a theme to them, a pattern. The wounds you have received have come to you for a purpose from one who knows all you are meant to be and fears you."

-------------

pretty cool.

Be encouraged, friends

2008-03-05T21:57:00.000-08:00

True story-

So I was driving back here last night, and some amazing stuff went on during my drive. I started to feel sad and full of sorrow as I thought about how a relationship has hurt and wounded me so much over the past few months. I started saying out loud that I miss the way he used to look at me, I miss his arms around me, I miss everything about him. Then I noticed the music playing in my car, and it was the song “Everything” by Lifehouse. Every time I listen to it, it quiets my spirit and I get into a very worshipful state of heart and mind. I started to cry, soft at first, then harder and harder, until my tears started disrupting my ability to see the road… with the darkness all around me as I continued the drive home on the gravel road. Then all the sudden I felt like everything was lit up, like it was dark out but I could see better and I felt like there was this golden spotlight shining on me in my car shooting directly up to God in the heavens above. I was moved to start speaking to Him, and so out loud I just started talking- it was just me and God, my Father, my Daddy. I felt His presence in my car with me- He was there with me. Just me and Him. We were connected and it was so intimate and it felt like for that moment in time all He cared about was me and my heart. I heard Him say, “I’m so glad you came back to me tonight, child.” I asked Him to take away whatever was inside of me, keeping me from trusting Him fully. I asked Him to rid me of all my fear, all my anger, all my bitterness, all my pain I was holding onto inside my heart. All of my sin and shame was lifted off of me. I cried out to Him that I am so frail. I told him that I know of His great power. I know of His mighty strength. I have seen it and I believe in it, I believe in an Almighty God—and so I asked Him to be my strength that keeps me walking every minute of every day, that keeps me trusting and hoping and loving. I told him I believe everything Shelli told me yesterday- that He loves me so much, that I am born again every day, that I don’t have to clean myself up in order to come to Him. That I am his darling daughter, He adopted me into His family. I told Him that I know I don’t always do the right thing, I know I have been living in sin and listening to Satan’s lies, but I said…I reject Satan’s lies- I reject this burden of sin- of hating myself and trying to hide it. I reject it all, and I told God that I wanted Him to know I accept His love. I accept what He has been offering me this whole time. I accept it. I want it. I told Him I don’t want to try filling up the emptiness in my heart and soul with the love and affections of boys or of anyone else, because nothing satisfies it but Him- my Lord, my Master. I asked Him that I would be able to wake up every day knowing I am fulfilled, knowing He is my true Romancer, my ultimate Lover, my God who is constantly pursuing me and wanting me to love Him back, and that’s all I need- that’s all I want. And so I parked. And I let the song end. And I played it again. Then I got out, came into my room, and thought about what just happened. And tomorrow I know I will wake up fulfilled by the love of Christ, the love of my Father. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that…………. <3

"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go..."

2008-02-29T01:05:00.003-08:00

Wilson is a black and white furry little thing... the cutest little cat you'll ever meet. He loves to be hugged and held. He loves jumping from the ledge onto my shoulder and hanging out there for a while, purring as I scratch his fluffy little head. He likes to jump and climb up Bekah's leg into her arms. Wilson is a nice cat. Wilson is the best. Wilson warms my heart.

Chastity is a vibrant 4-year-old girl. She is a little angel, so innocent and so pure, a mini version of myself, blonde-haired child full of adventure and a love to snuggle. Full of creativity and already something special inside of her to express- she already has began making pottery and painting them with fantastic colors. They are exquisite.

Remington is the cutest 6 year old boy ever, with a smile that will break your heart, eyes so wide and open to learning about the world around him. He has such an imagination and such energy. We talk about our favorite Airhead flavors and he brings out his Pokemon card collection to show me what he has. Rem is the big bro to his little sisters. He is so fun and expressive.

Hope is a little baby, almost 1 year old. She's this little thing that cries a lot and is really loud, but most the time she just fascinates me. Her smile is so goofy and alluring all at the same time. She's learning how to high-five. She's this tiny angel staring up at me wondering who I am and I just feel a great desire rise up inside of me to show her how to live in this world the best I can. Babies freak me out initially, but Hope is inescapable- she draws me towards her every time, and I just want to see what she's going to do next.

Chief is an old, old, old dog. A rottweiler. he's big. He's got the cutest, old, wrinkly looking face and snout... SO cute. but this bellowing bark he feels the need to let us know he is still fierce and young and able to scare people away if he had to. silly Chief. First time I met him, thought I was going to lose my hand when he snapped at me and barked viciously. Now, I walk by him and it's like he has no power over me- I'm the master. it took a couple days, but he really is just a gentle giant dog that's really old and turned senile. Like your grumpy grandpa. yeah.

5 reasons I have been so filled with JOY this week. Every moment that comes, I'm seeing God pouring out His love for me all around me in every little thing. It's absolutely amazing and overwhelming to be so blessed and to see His love for me in the sweet little angels the kids I'm now living with are and Wilson the cat and Chief the dog. I just love the whole bunch. God is so good.

"it seems like I'm getting closer somehow..."

2008-02-27T20:39:00.002-08:00

Walking, waiting
look up
stop--
awkward
pause...
flash a smile
blinking, caution
heavy breathing
heart beating
faster
do I risk it
do I dare
anticipating, dread
glance up
eyes meet
lock on target
heart drops
emotionless stare
...not like I care
hands shaking
hesitation
words flow
wish I could go
dart
dash away
my heart at my feet
tears spill to the street
stop
look back
frown
walking, wilting.
------------------

Darling, it's you I'm without

2008-02-26T12:04:00.003-08:00

Change is your best and worst friend all at once. If you find a balance, things are ok.

I showered for the first time in my new shower today. I was unpleasantly surprised to discover a daddy-long-leg spider hanging out on the ceiling, far too close to where I was showering. I decided to be-friend him instead of be scared of him though, and named him Tyrone. He stayed in his place and I stayed in mine- the world was at peace. I hope I see Tyrone tomorrow. Otherwise, I might miss him a little.

I found out something last night. First off, three weeks or more worth of laundry takes FOREVER to dry. That's not the something I was going to share but it was worthy of mention and I'm a spaz. Anyway, the thing I found out last night besides the annoying side of laundry. Talking to my far-away friend on the phone, I found out the condition of a beautiful painting I painted and sent him for his 18th birthday (2 years ago). We had been dating for a long time, but broke up because the long-distance thing wasn't working. He then started dating another girl and had some rough times with her, resulting in the complete destruction of their relationship because this girl turned out to be a total psycho b-word... seriously. psycho. According to my old boyfriend and dear friend, she saw my painting in his room and went ape-mad and PUNCHED the canvas so that it was ripped from the staples holding it to the wooden frame, but thankfully the canvas was tough so it didn't rip where she punched it in. She did also throw it and it hit something sharp, so there is a small tear on the right upper side. Adam and his dad reconstructed it so it looks almost good as new, and he sent me a picture of what it looks like now.. and I must say, it looks just the way I sent it to him except for the tear in the canvas. :(

I was kind of shocked and frightened by the story, and I felt bad because I worked so hard on that painting and to find out someone had so much disrespect for a gift I made... it kind of hurts! but at least it looks pretty much the same. and at least I'm not the psycho girl. Mmhmm.

I have a nasty cold and it is beating me up :( I'm going to finish my tea and facebook some more.............

"we've still got time..."

2008-02-25T19:59:00.003-08:00

"A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

She said if we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together

I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes."
--Lifehouse

"I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along."
--Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova

be the one.

2008-02-18T19:16:00.001-08:00

"When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump i'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump i'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart."
-Savage Garden.

maybe.

2008-02-18T18:04:00.002-08:00

should I just wear a big sign across my chest that warns: CAUTION. HARD TO LOVE. TOO HARD TO HANDLE. EASY TO LEAVE.

...???

"I crossed the desert to be with you, I need you, I need you next to me."

2008-02-17T12:42:00.004-08:00

I don't know how to describe life as of late. That's kind of saying a lot, since I am pretty good at describing things being a writer and an English major and everything......

Hm. I don't know. It's important to get out what is inside of you, because if it stays there you can never be certain what affect it will have on you. No matter what it is, I think it's better to get it out and feel free than keep it in and let it sit and stew until things just boil over everywhere. It's also important to have discretion. I find myself very uninhibited most of the time, so sometimes discretion is not my first thought... or my second... or third...you get the picture. But it is also very important to not let the fear of imposing yourself on other people keep you from doing what is best for you. Thoughts that go through your head might be- "but what will they think? what if this causes them to be angry at me? what if they think poorly of me afterwards?" but, it's very important to push those thoughts aside if it is in your best interest. I'm trying to take these three points and shake them up and somehow live a balanced, reasonable, and right way. It's not easy and it's not too hard, so somewhere I'll get it right.

Also. Isn't it funny how the things we try to control in this world really end up controlling us? Maybe not funny, to some extent... but interesting nonetheless. Maybe the solution isn't what you'd think it to be, even if it seems totally right and you've "thought it through" (like you think about something and magically end that issue in your mind as if it never comes up again..? yeah right). Sometimes what actually happens is we try to fix our problem area SO much, we end up right where we started off. Let me explain. We keep ourselves messed up the more we continue trying to UN-mess up our lives. Every problem area we have, every part of ourselves we need and try to fix, is like a box we're stuck in. And the more we try to fight out way out of the box, the longer we're going to stay stuck in that box. If I have a problem with being self-controlled maybe, to change that I would think I need to try to have more self-control... more control of myself. And what actually ends up happening, is eventually I get to a point where I'm not really controlling anything, I'm being controlled by myself without even knowing it and it leaves me exactly where I was before- out of control, lacking self-discipline, whatever you would like to call it. So maybe the solution is not really GETTING OUT, GETTING AWAY from that problem, from that box. Maybe the solution to your problem is to explore it a little, or a lot. Accept it. Accept that you have something you need to better, to work on, and that you're still ok no matter what that problem is. You're not bad. After acceptance, you feel empowered and free to fix your eyes on the positive place you want to get and not the negative place you're sitting in at the moment. Only then can problems begin to get fixed. Recovery isn't a day-long process, but I think it should be recognized that my faith in Jesus Christ is the kind of faith that believes in miracles. I believe that Jesus could take away every bad thing in my life in the matter of a second because I have faith in His great and mighty power. But you still have to understand, problems can go deeper than you think, and they will take time to recover from and to fix.

I just think it's time we start thinking about things differently than before. Or maybe, just be more aware that the way we think about things might not actually be the way things really are.

"I try to be delicate... then crash right into it."

2008-02-15T12:41:00.002-08:00

If you were the most difficult person to love in this entire world with more problems than the worst i could ever imagine- i KNOW that i would do ANYTHING to help you and NEVER stop loving you. I don't know much about life, but I do know that I would keep loving you and never run out, never run dry inside.

People hit rock bottom in many different ways. From one perspective, someone else's idea of rock bottom may seem like actually being far from the bottom, from the pit. but for them, it's rock bottom. for you, rock bottom is something else. everybody hits rock bottom sometimes. you may not even know it, or it may be totally obvious.

If I thought about it... I guess the hardest person for me to love would be someone like Hitler or Charles Manson or some other famous person that brought devastation and murder and pain to humanity to some extent. But I can sit here and say in my heart and mean it-- I love them. I still love them. They were still human beings just like you and me- they had lives, they had problems, they had goals and aspirations, they were hurt, they might have been in love- whatever... they were humans. They experienced something that me being another human being can relate to in SOME way. And in no way do I condone what they did as being right and ok and tolerable, but I still love them. So how can I find it so hard to love the people that are my friends that I have great affection for and want to see happy and enjoying their lives, how can it be so hard? Exactly- it's not hard. No matter what problems I may have or had with you, it could be the worst problem EVER, but I still love you just the same. THE END- period.

What's your philosophy on love?

Did something happen in your life that changed it? Drastically, even? Were you one way a year ago and a completely different way right now? Were you let down? Were you hurt? Were you heartbroken? Did somebody gain your trust then throw it in your face and betray you? All of the above? At least one of the above? Whatever it may be for you, it's a shame to let the happenings of life tear down the meaning of love for you. No matter how many people break my heart, no matter how many people walk out on me that I poured myself into and gave everything to- I will NEVER stop loving, caring, feeling. I want to sometimes just because I get worn down from things just like everybody else- but at the end of the day... I can't imagine living without loving the way that I do, so unconditionally and exceptionally.

Am I the only person that thinks like this? That loves like this? Cause right now I feel like I am and it's the most depressing thing to ever realize. Especially when the one person you want to love you the most, can't. because they let something in the past alter their philosophy of love so much, they think it can't ever be the same (or more, BETTER) again. Shame. Damn shame. Breaks my heart.

Undeniable

2008-02-09T16:05:00.000-08:00

These passages mean so much to me right now:

"Therefore let those who suffer according to the will of God commit their souls to Him in doing good, as to a faithful Creator." 1 Peter 4:19

"Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter." 1 Peter 4:16

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you." 1 Peter 5:8-10

"For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God." 1 Peter 2:20

God is so mighty and worthy of our praise. Through the good and the bad, He is faithful always. My purpose is so clear and so simple- to live according to God's will, to bring glory to Him in everything I do, to spread the gospel to those who do not know Him yet, to worship, love, and follow the Lord with all of my heart- chasing after Him with all that I've got.
<3 He is holy.

current mood: angry

2008-02-08T13:36:00.000-08:00

Wow, I'm amazed at how many assholes there actually are here at Iowa State. And I'm referring to its professors. They may have credentials and brains and titles, but they are jerks who treat students like numbers that they are forced to shove information in our faces and give us exams for good measure that really make them delighted in their own intelligence that is far above ours, proven time and time again by all the "numbers" that walk through their door- faceless and insignificant.

I'm just going to take this opportunity to say- Screw You, Iowa State professors who fall under the asshole category, may you rot in hell someday after putting me through hell just because I want to get an education and be successful in life. THE END!

"you can climb a ladder up to the sun..."

2008-02-07T15:49:00.001-08:00

So, being on a bunch of medicines really opens your eyes up to how different drugs work in your body, and how amazingly helpful they can be, and how amazingly sucky they can be too. After my car accident, my doctor put me on an anti-anxiety medicine at a super low dosage (cause I'm such a skinny little girl...) and it definitely helped stop me from having anxiety attacks from nightmares of the crash, when I would be in a car and when I'd have flashbacks and things like that over the course of 10 days I think. Well now that I'm off of it, I noticed on the little packet of information on the drug that it says not to go off of it cold-turkey and just stop taking it. But I didn't know that and no one really told me about it and I didn't think anything of it especially with all the chaos that's been going on in my life.. just didn't cross my mind. Yeeeeah. Now I'm having all these things happen to my body like tremors in my hands and fingers that's.. actually really noticeable, and this crappy dry-mouth feeling and some other crappy things. But the tremors are the crappiest, my hands just shake and shake and shake. Ugh!!!!! And I guess when I was telling my mom the situation, she told me that's pretty much my body reacting to a physical addiction to the medicine because it's a "habit-forming" drug. Well shoot. I didn't know that. That's lame and I hate that my hands shake all the time.

Well that's my lame story of the day. My awesome story of the day is that Zach and I had a really great lunch together just the two of us at the MU today. We had an awesome talk and got a lot of things out in the open and stuff like that. I love Zach very, very much! :)

I'm excited for Salt tonight, and EXTREMELY nervous :( at the same time.....

go see The Bucket List it's SO SO SO good!!!!!!

2008-02-06T22:23:00.000-08:00

Great things that happened today:

-saw the movie The Bucket List with Aubrey, James and Zach
-Aubs came over and we talked forever like old times
-We ate together at the udcc... I had 2 chocolate brownies and a bowl of ice cream!
-Brek and Steve saw us and sat down at our table and ate with us.. totally love 'em
-Duke played the NC tar heels in basketball tonight
-I found out Mac watches Curious George the cartoon on tv AND Arthur...who KNEW?!
-my best friend came back to me, and it makes me so happy
-today was Day 2 of living a renewed life in Christ
-Discovered that Aubrey has the new single by Miley Cyrus... we're obsessed with it.
-I felt so, so loved
-I made my mom cry tears of joy

Not so great things that happened today:
-unrequited love.....story of my life it seems.
-I already miss him.

The End!

rough draft

2008-02-05T09:16:00.000-08:00

so hard to concentrate
hard to keep holding on
if I could focus for just one moment
maybe I'd stop noticing that you're gone

so hard to catch my breath
hard to keep moving forward
if I could throw aside these thoughts of you
maybe I'd stop hearing the same sad chord

so hard to carry this weight
hard to live with a tired soul
if I could glue the pieces back together
maybe I'd stop longing to be whole

so hard to celebrate
hard to live with these scars
if I could feel your loving embrace
maybe I'd stop wishing on shooting stars

so hard to count the days
hard to be without you
if I could erase all of these if's
I'd start living a life renewed.

"...running away from the streets we knew"

2008-01-31T16:34:00.000-08:00

there's so much more than this
there's so much more than pain
there's so much more than worry
there's so much more than pressure
there's so much more than scars
there's so much more than having a good day
there's so much more than having a bad day
there's so much more than having fun
there's so much more than fear
there's so much more than tears
there's so much more than hurting
there's so much more than breathing
there's so much more to life than this.

we were meant for so much more.

"for all that we knew, you were safe home"

2008-01-30T15:05:00.000-08:00

why did he scribe his name on my heart
when he looks at me i see crystal stars
he pulls me in and i'm twirling in the clouds
weightless i'm spinning tirelessly in his arms

why did he scribe his name on my heart
he looks my way and i freeze to stop the tears
he sits across the table and i'm in another world
pained i try not to forget to keep breathing

why did he scribe his name on my heart
his eyes are dancing erupting with life
he moves with the music conducting his soul
why won't he reach out and take my hand

why did he scribe his name on my heart
my eyes scream to behold his angelic face
i find it hard to move when he walks in the room
no matter how much he tries to stay away
my heart is scribed with his precious name
and it does not want anyone but him.

He is my light, my strength, my song

2008-01-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

Over the past week, I have gone through an immense amount of TRAUMA.

1. Severe bodily injury, as from a gunshot wound or a motor vehicle accident.
2. Psychological or emotional injury caused by a deeply disturbing experience.
3. A serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident.
4. An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person, often leading to neurosis (neurosis: any of various mental or emotional disorders involving symptoms such as insecurity, anxiety, depression, and irrational fears).

If I were to drive past the exact sight of where my car accident took place RIGHT this instant, I would have a panic attack and hyperventilate. My body is in a state of shock, in which it completely shuts itself down to protect itself after undergoing the intense collision from the semi-truck hitting my car. This causes my limbs to go numb and leaves me temporarily paralyzed and hard to catch my breath.

The first few days after the crash were the worst, where I could hardly sleep I was having such frequent nightmares of the semi-truck coming at me and hitting me. I haven't been able to write about the crash until recently, because I couldn't get the motivation inside- the memory was still too fresh. Now I can write about it. Now I can think about it and not break down into jelly.

My initial thoughts, besides sheer unbelief that I was alive and walking, were consumed with confusion and muddied with things I probably shouldn't have been thinking, but did anyway. Not like I was wishing I would have died, not at all, but just... this huge disbelief that I made it out alive, that God still had more for me to do on earth and I'm here for a reason. It was a wake-up call to my faith for sure.

My current thoughts are now surrounded and influenced by the post-affects of the accident... the trauma and what the shock did to my body. I have physical therapy for a month now, to help rebuild the ability to use my muscles properly and for them to heal appropriately. Also, to prevent them from healing the way that they currently are now-tight, basically on lock-down, and hard to move.

I have an amazing support group to do just that-- support me. Especially in these hard times of my life. In one of my many conversations about the crash and how I was doing, my sister encouraged me to focus on a specific command in the Bible- to be joyful even amidst great pain and suffering. That has been turning the wheel in my mind constantly since we had that talk, and I've been trying my hardest to follow the Word of God. Every muscle in my body is crying out "stop! it hurts! don't move!" but my heart is telling me to keep going, that no matter how much it hurts I can overcome, and to keep moving because someday I will be healed again- all in the power of Jesus Christ.

The past week, I've been in and out of doctor's offices, getting examined and X-rayed for hours and hours, getting expensive CT-scans and MRIs of my neck, brain and spinal cord, I've been strapped down to a solid plastic board for over 2 hours, I've been temporarily paralyzed for almost 3 hours at one time, I've been wheelchaired around hospitals because I couldn't walk, I've been undressed and naked in front of nurses because my arms couldn't move, I've been carried down 5 flights of stairs by Mark and Nick, I've been carried out to Melanie's car by Brek, I've had friends slap my face to wake me up when I stopped breathing, I've been more afraid for my own life than the last 18 years I've lived put together. But NO MATTER WHAT happens, NO MATTER WHAT I have to get through, i WILL NOT stop fighting, and i WILL NOT stop hoping and trusting in JESUS CHRIST-- my sole source of strength, my identity, my purpose, my EVERYTHING. Long enough I listened to, dwelled on, believed in, and acted on lies from the Devil- LONG ENOUGH. Freedom came through listening to, dwelling on, believing in, and acting on TRUTH. This song shows exactly what I'm talking about:

"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."
-In Christ Alone

LOVE<3

friendship at its best

2008-01-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

I get great joy from observing friendship at its best with all kinds of people. I love the variety of friends I am blessed to know. I love seeing people exemplify the kind of love that comes from friendship that makes me think of how Jesus treated people. I love knowing that I have treated my friends the way that Jesus teaches us to treat people. But lately, with all the circumstances that have come up in my life, I've been the one on the receiving end of such wonderful treatment by friends. I get such warmth in my heart when I think about the actions of the people that I have come to know as great friends, but have not known as long as other friends. They are "newer" friends, but they are just as important and special to me. I just have more memories and even MORE closeness with my older friends.

It makes me feel good inside, thinking about Mel dropping everything she was doing and walking in the snow storm all the way to Campus Ave to get her car and take me to the hospital when I couldn't move nor walk yesterday.....wheeling me around in a wheelchair all over the hospital and helping me get dressed after my MRI (i was still temporarily paralyzed).......Her text that awoke me this morning saying that she was thinking about me and she loves me and hopes I feel better.....Steve and Brek, being at my side when i became numb again and making sure i didnt pass out..... Brek carrying me out to Mel's car, Steve on his crutches holding my purse.....the two of them checking up on me later and letting me sleep in their room to make sure nothing happened to me in the middle of the night and that I wasn't alone during this scary time in my life..... Steve texting me a few hours after I woke up asking me how I was doing and if I was ok....

All these little things that friends do (those are just a few examples fresh on my mind, so many others have come to my aid and done tons for me) and so often they go unnoticed by our human eyes- but they are of heavenly worth... I see Christ in them, even if they don't know themselves that's who they are exemplifying. I love my friends so much and could not get through this stuff without them.

the status of my health, still pending.

2008-01-21T12:00:00.000-08:00

I was in a bad car accident on Wednesday, January 16th. This is what happened:

I merged onto the interstate, hitting a speed of about 55 mph, as traffic was moving slower due to the snowy weather. I was positioned in the middle lane, and began moving over into the far left lane. As I began shifting over into the lane, I felt my tires lose all traction and felt my adrenaline pump harder as I realized I was sliding and couldn't control it nor stop it. My first thought was that I didn't want to smash into the cement guardrail separating the two sides of the interstate at 55 mph. My car was shaking and sliding every which way, and then the back end of my jeep swung me around, spinning my car in a 360 degree turn so that I was sliding backwards, facing incoming traffic head on at an almost straight angle. Next, I saw the semi-truck coming at me and the only thing going through my mind was, "No...no..." and then it smashed into me, trying to swerve, and I don't remember what my car did after the hit- but it slid to a stop just a foot shy of the cement guardrail. As I saw the truck coming at me, I thought I was going to die for sure. I don't remember much besides that. I don't remember what my body did when the semi-truck collided with my jeep- all I remember is sitting there in the car on the shoulder by the guardrail in complete shock, stunned to be alive and breathing. I sat there in silence for a minute, then the inevitable happened- and I burst into tears and wailed and screamed.

Waiting for the cops to come was the worst. And not being able to get ahold of anyone to come to me was almost just as bad. I finally got in contact with my sister and Nick, and then my mom. I remember sitting there, shivering from the frigid cold air sinking into my skin while watching the snow fall around me. I remember when my mom finally pulled up, and I got out of my car and ran into her arms and cried. Everything after that seemed to move in slow motion, like I was in an unshakable daze. My neck felt stiff and tight, but other than that I was seemingly fine. 2 and a half hours later, I was back in Ames. The entire night I just felt like somebody had stunned me. I went to sleep, but woke up only a few hours later in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and visions of the semi-truck coming at me and the crunching sound of my car when it hit. I tried to go back to sleep, but kept waking up time and time again from the same visions and I became hysterical from them. I also kept waking up with muscle pains all over my body. It was horrible. I prayed for Jesus to take away those visions. I fell asleep eventually but woke up not much later, having missed my first class already and decided I needed to rest and give myself a day to re-cooperate. I called the health center here on campus and explained I was in a bad car accident and wanted to get checked out. I was limping on my left knee and my neck and back were aching painfully, with headaches coming and going. I spent the next 3 hours getting examined by my doctor there and getting x-rays taken. No fractures were discovered after looking at the x-rays, but i was given a muscle relaxant to take at night and a soft neck brace to help support my neck and help with the pain.

I am now having other troubles with my body, as a result of the crash last Wednesday. It's scary and perplexing. All my limbs will suddenly go numb and I'm completely unable to move my arms and legs, hands and feet. I get these prickly tingles that radiate out to my fingers and down my legs to my toes until i can't feel them at all. Sunday night was the first time it occurred, and my sister and Nick took me to the ER after Nick and our friend Mark carried me down 5 flights of stairs and out to my sister's car. It was really frightening to not be able to move, and have to be in a wheelchair because I couldn't use my legs. I had to be "immobilized" which to the ER it means strap me down on this big, long board thing and have all these straps holding me snugly to it- I felt like a mummy all wrapped up, and it was extremely uncomfortable after I had been strapped to that flat, hard surface for 2 hours or so... my head felt like it was being smashed and my back hurt after they finally let me out of it. They had to make sure there wasn't something wrong with my spinal cord, and they took a CT-scan, which apparently didn't show anything was wrong. At first the neurologist wanted to admit me to the hospital and stay for a few days, but shortly after he examined me I began to get feeling back in my arms and legs. After that I was free to go since I wasn't "in danger" as he put it.

Well, today things got worse. After spending the night with my sister at her apartment, I arrived back to my dorm feeling tired, weak and overall fatigued, but otherwise I felt fine and normal. I was just doing little things in my room, I was on my laptop, got dressed for the day and everything, and made lunch plans to meet my friend Steve at the udcc at 1 pm. About 12:30 pm, I was lying down on my futon just resting before going to lunch, and all the sudden the numbness started doing the same thing it did last night, and i was completely paralyzed again. I tried with all my might to move my hand, or just a finger, ANYTHING, to reach for my phone, but I couldn't. Somehow I used my head and my mouth and pried open my cell phone with my tongue and pushed the most recent call button to get help. About 30 minutes later, I got feeling back in all my limbs and I could walk again. Weird, right? So I went to lunch and came back to my room afterwards to work on homework. Well, at about 2:30 I got a call from the hospital saying I needed to go there as soon as possible to get an MRI of my neck ordered by the neurologist. So I go down to Steve and Brek's room to borrow Steve's car since I didn't have any other way of transportation. I'm feeling kind of numb and dizzy and faint, and Steve didn't want me to drive myself if I wasn't feeling alright and he couldn't do it because he's on crutches from his leg surgery he had.... so I got ahold of our friend Mel to drive me and she just says she'll take me in her car, but she had to walk to Campus Ave to get it so it'd take about 20 mins. I sat down with Steve and Brek while I waited for Mel to pull up outside Friley. I was just SITTING there on the futon next to Steve... and all the sudden I lost all feeling again in my limbs and couldn't move for the life of me. I was just gonna wait it out, and I was able to wiggle my toes and feet after a little bit, but then my face got tingly and started to go numb as well and I felt my head roll down and I blacked out for a minute. I could hear Steve and Brek whistling and saying my name and I could lightly feel Steve touching my face trying to wake me up, but I couldn't open my eyes, and then I gasped for air and realized I hadn't been breathing and opened my eyes, but could hardly hold my head up I felt so weak and numb all over. Steve (on his crutches, mind you) got up and held all the doors so Brek could carry me out to Mel's car. Mel drove me to the hospital, I had to be wheeled in a wheelchair everywhere because I couldn't walk or move at all still, and they did the MRI of my neck. It had been like an hour, and I could walk on my legs at that point but they weren't very strong and it was extremely difficult. Mel did everything for me and she was such a good friend to me, ugh I just love her to death. She helped me back up to my room, it was 5 or something by then. Since then I've been in my room lying down mostly, just trying to not worry about anything and just focus on my body and do everything i can to be relaxed and just trust in God through this whole thing. I'm not worrying about the classes I'm going to miss (the doctor ordered me not to go anywhere tomorrow, especially not until he's called me and talked to me about the results of my MRI). I'm very, very scared... but I know this is all apart of God's plan for my life and I know He will never leave me or forsake me.

My body goes in and out of numbness. My neck hurts in the back pretty badly and my upper back has shooting pains at times too. I feel fatigued overall, and short of breath sometimes. Right now, all I can do is pray that the doctor will have answers for me tomorrow. I don't know if I will have to be hospitalized or not. At this point, I'm leaving it up to God and whatever happens I will get through it, I know I will. Please pray for the healing of my body and peace of mind. <3

"take a sad song and make it better"

2008-01-10T13:25:00.000-08:00

I'm just going to be super honest....... I am scared out of my FRICKIN' mind for starting this spring semester. So many things I wish I could know before diving in. I wish I could know if I'm going to get hit with kidney problems and other sickness issues some point during the semester. I wish I could be prepared for whatever ends up happening. I wish I could know what my heart really needs and wants. I wish I could know if he still wants me. I wish I could know how I'm going to deal with temptation to resort back to old habits when the temptation arises. But the thing is, we are never prepared for anything really. Everything is unknown. And everything is scary. That's just human nature though, to be afraid of the unknown. The thing that sets me apart is that my fear is expelled because of God's perfect love. I can't make the reference... but it says somewhere in the Bible that "perfect love expels all fear." That's really powerful.

I'm seeing that all I can do to "prepare" for whatever may come my way, is to equip myself with the Armor of God explained in Ephesians 6, and to just have faith in my Creator.

Job said in Job 2:10, "Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?" And these past few months for me have been all about learning the truth of that in my own reality.

My mom had lunch with me today on her break at Jason's Deli, and first of all it was amazing to have real food and have an appetite for it for the first time in 3 weeks WOOO!!!! um, but second of all, my mom asked me how I was feeling about going back to school right now, and I expressed how nervous and scared I am. She cares so much about me and just started encouraging me and telling me, "Em you can do it, you know you can," and all sorts of things to lift my spirits. I appreciate my mom so much. For all her faults, she makes up for it with all her love and encouragement.

Now I end with a beautiful song:

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude refrain
don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na na na
na na na na

Hey Jude don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
then you can start to make it better."
--The Beatles
<3

it could have been worse

2008-01-08T13:40:00.000-08:00

ok...

me = on a liquid diet. 3 Boost drinks every day, as meal replacements. Until my appetite suppression due to prescription meds is lessened and more under control. ahhhhhh. not gonna lie, the Boost drink is NASTY. but I can't keep losing weight and never having any energy nor feeling good/healthy. Plus, drinking the Boost will hopefully keep me from having to be hospitalized and put on I.V. fluids.

I am now to a grand total of having to take 11 pills a day, soon it'll be down to 8 though. Yay (seriously. 8 is so much better than 11).

I know God has everything under control. Even though it's tough on me to be on so much medicine... I trust that I'll be ok someday. better than I am now.

<3

freedom.

2008-01-07T11:37:00.000-08:00

Awesome. The last few days I've been trying to gain weight to be at a more healthy weight, and I just discovered that I've LOST 3 more pounds. You've got to be kidding me. This is ridiculous. I'm seriously considering going to a nutritionist or dietician but not to lose weight, to gain weight and be healthy. I can't risk being unhealthy this semester. If I don't have a successful semester, I can't see myself continuing at ISU. I don't know. This is so frustrating.

I miss Nick and it sucks not being able to see or talk to him. The past 8 days, I've dealt and been alright, but these next 7 days I just hope I can keep it together. Ugh.

Last week I envisioned myself standing with a big sign over my head saying "Accepted"... now for this week I am supposed to envision myself with the sign reading "Trust". Trust is hard. Trusting God, trusting myself, and trusting others... it's really hard.

Saturday night I was in Ames, and I went to the Saturday evening church service at Cornerstone with my sister and Jamie. The message basically saved my life. It was seriously as if Tom Nesbitt was speaking directly to me, with words straight from God. The path to bondage starts with listening to lies, dwelling on lies, believing in lies, and then acting on lies. The path to freedom is listening to TRUTH, dwelling on TRUTH, believing in TRUTH, and acting on TRUTH. I was reminded of the spiritual war that goes on every day. The devil attacks the mind first by giving you a thought. In Ephesians, we are told to take our thoughts captive and run them to JESUS. It also lists all the strongholds in our lives, like guilt, stubbornness, and bitternness, that fight against us every day in that spiritual war.

I'm not ready to start the semester just yet.... I need a little more time. But time is running out. :(

Frustration.

2008-01-02T21:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life can be really frustrating. Everyone gets frustrated. And right now, frustrated is the only word that can describe me best. My health has been very much in the spotlight of my life lately, and although some things are WAY better, other things are not. I guess it's stupid for me to hold on to some kind of fantasy that I'm just going to all the sudden never have any bit of sickness affecting my body and mind. Everybody gets sick sometimes, with colds and allergies and what not, but the things that I deal with are on top of all of those "normal" kinds of sick. My main frustration is coming from a side effect of a new medicine that I'm on, and it basically has made me have a lack of appetite. Doesn't sound so bad on its face, but as applied it is causing me lots of problems. I just got my wisdom teeth out, and I was so nauseous from the pain medicine that I threw up anything I tried to eat the first 3 or 4 days after the surgery, and then slowly began eating solid food again after that. So I already went days without eating much. Then this new medicine started to effect my appetite, and it virtually makes me never hungry for food except for maybe one time throughout the day. Day after day after day it has been like this. It isn't easy to make yourself eat food when you don't feel the need to eat at ALL. But then I miss the feeling of being full after eating, and all of it together is just really frustrating. Because of this, I have dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks and I was already a very thin girl... 10 pounds off of me is not good. I am down to 107 pounds, for a girl who is 5'6 and a quarter tall. It's bad.

It's hard to not throw up my hands and just say "I can't"
I have to fight off the weariness every day, because I don't want to let this defeat me like I have let sickness do so in the past. I'm just learning as I go how to deal with all of this stuff. God must think I can eventually handle it, so I'll trust in that.

the coffee shop owner told me I have a great smile. :-)

2008-01-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

I can feel my heart speeding up and speeding down, over and over again. I feel reality hit me in the face and I get mad at it, I want to stomp all over it, I resist it, I hate it, I let it burn my eyes with all the tears spilling out, and then... I know everything is going to be ok someday. And I spend time not thinking about what my heart wants to think about. I spend time being around people who make me smile, and cuddle with me and make me feel warm and content even when things seem icy and chaotic. Sam, Aubrey, Caely, JR, James, Tim, Foster, and Rob come over to my house... and the entire time the boys whine about the tv show we were watching- "Say Yes to the Dress"- a show about women from all over the place coming to this one wedding gown store in New York to find their perfect wedding dress and what goes on between the buyers and the sellers...haha, the girls were loving it OBVIOUSLY, and the boys just thought it was ridiculous (and it was, in some ways, I admit). I got to see my best friend and have her walk over to me and command me to hug her and tell me how much she missed me. I just love these people with all that is in me, and it meant so much to me that they came over to my house to be with me when all I really felt like doing was exactly what I shouldn't be doing- hiding in my bed with the covers over my head.

New Years Eve. Everyone makes such a big deal about it, but I've learned that it's really not. I've never gotten a big new years kiss, I've never had some amazing revelation that comes directly from the clock turning midnight and changing to a new year, and I've never gotten wasted and partied til 6 in the morning or anything like that. Though my heart was someplace else entirely, I pushed myself to make the drive back to my home- Ames, to be with my darling sister. I arrived at her apartment and we sat and watched Project Runway until deciding to go grocery shopping, since Erin was pretty much out of everything. Grocery shopping might sound boring, but not with The Sexton Sisters... haha. We started our grocery shopping adventure and went up and down the aisles, me pushing a messed up cart that only wanted to go to the right, grabbing this and that and throwing it in the cart. After a very tall man helped us get something off a very high shelf, and getting a nice bottle of red wine to have with our dinner (grilled chicken italian panini!! awesome find on my part if I do say so myself!), we headed home grooving to old-school Lifehouse tunes (so good). Back at the apartment, we got our dinner ready and had a glass of wine with it :). Then we cuddled on the couch together watching Project Runway until it was party time! We both got dressed in our gorgeous outfits, took pics, and headed over to this lady's house that Erin and Jamie know. There were tons of people there and it was a warm, happy environment that I loved immediately. I got to see JAMIE!!!!!!!!!!! which was the best ever. So Erin, Jamie and I hung out and talked for like an hour and I got to try Erin's cup of Sangria and Jamie's Blue Moon beer, haha. Then the three of us drove back to their apartment to see Austin, Bry, and Foster and hang out at Meg's part there for a bit. After the boys left, the three of us went BACK to the other party for the official turn of the new year. Arriving back at the house, we all were in a circle yelling jovially in a heated game of Catchphrase.. hahah, so awesome. People were being hilarious and it didn't even matter one bit that I knew no one except for 4 of the people in the room of like 20 or 25 people. About 10 seconds before the new year, somebody turned on mtv just as the ball dropped and hit 2008, and everyone had a cup of champagne and yelled CHEERS! and Happy New Year! haha. i must say, champagne is one of my favorites for sure. After finishing the champagne, Erin and I left for the apartment and crashed. All in all- it was great. I had moments of brokenness, but always forced my head up high and let myself enjoy the night with Jamie and Erin.

THe next day, I headed over to Zach's dorm to spend some time with him. We talked for about an hour and a half in his room, and it was just what I needed. I love Zach sooo much :). Then we went and got Randy, ate at Arby's, and the two of them left to get Randy to the airport for his flight to New York. I went back to my sis's apartment and hung out with her and showered. I ended up driving back to WDM around 8:30 that night and joined all my friends at James' house for a fun evening of hilarious-ness... haha.

First we all just sat around and talked, then we decided to play the game Pit. hahaha, it was crazy. the 9 or 10 of us sitting in a circle yelling our heads off in this game. It was mass chaos. Then we decided to play the game Spoons, which turned into everyone getting violently mad at each other to get a spoon haha. So then we decided to play a more organized game, so we pulled out the game Cranium. After discovering that people couldn't sketch things to save their lives when we kept getting blue cards, we found out that organized board games are not possible for 10 people who are talking and yelling and laughing all at the same time... lol. so THEN the people who were still remaining- Aubrey, Zach, Kate, me, Stevie, James, Sam, Emily, and Ryan.... played Charades. oh geez. That was just ridiculous. haha. Besides Zach's decision to write "poop" on one of the sheets of paper to choose from, some of them were really good and really entertaining to guess. After playing for a few rounds, everyone left except for me, Zach, James, Kate, and Ryan. Kate watched while Zach, James, Ryan and I played the game of Risk. eventually Kate left and it was just the four of us........and the game lasted THREE. AND. A. HALF. HOURS. hahahaha. It was the most intense, hilarious game of Risk that will probably ever be played. There were heated words exchanged, smack-talk up the wazoo, egos busted down, and beloved countries were raped and ravaged. My best moment was having conquered ALL of Asia and holding on to it as long as I could, then my worst moment came when Ryan completely ravaged and took over the entire continent leaving me with barely any guys left.......then when it was my turn, I promptly took the entire continent back and completely ravaged him out of MY continent. haha. SEe? very intense. But Ryan and I were no match for James and Zach's huge masses of armies.... we were both obliterated off the face of the earth :(. It came down to a huge attack between James' Northwest Territory and Zach's Alaska. Sooo intense. The dice rolling took 8 minutes but felt like forever. In the end, James beat down Zach and won the game of Risk. Ugh...... he would. It was 3:30 in the morning by this time, haha, and it was definitely worth it.

So here I am at Java G's. My heart is sore, but I feel better after writing about my fun adventures. I'm going out to dinner with my mom in a couple hours at The Olive Garden (i've never been there before). later gators.
Love. <3

slow motion

2007-12-30T16:29:00.000-08:00

I got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that told me I'd get hurt again.
So I hung up the phone
and I screamed out loud
I felt so alone, I should have said the things I'm thinking now

Ohh never thought it'd be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know

Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I cant forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.

I pretend I'm ok
But it aches inside
There's got to be a way that's better then just getting by

Ohh never thought it be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know

Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I can't forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.

My heart is speeding up and slowing down to know I know it's over, it's over
And can you die of heartbreak to die for love lost young I pray to find it again, oh again

Got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that hurts again.
~I Nine

merry Christmas

2007-12-26T12:18:00.000-08:00

"So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The Only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..."
-taylor swift

"is this everything that you've hoped for, is this everything you've dreamed..."

2007-12-12T20:57:00.000-08:00

I can't help but think that I (mostly) failed myself this semester. It's probably something I shouldn't be thinking, but it just seems like that's what happened and if I don't say it, I'm lying to myself a little bit. I know I probably don't know very much when it comes to that idea thrown out there we quote as "the real world", and what it's like to pay a mortgage and have credit card bills and manage a household, but I have gone through more stuff this fall semester of my sophomore year of college than I could have ever imagined. I feel a little betrayed for being thrown into a grown-up world I wasn't ready for, but I guess if I were ready for it in the first place, I probably wouldn't have had the same experience that I did. I can't really put my finger on it, but there's this older feeling inside of me. I just sense it. It feels different. It's not a good different nor a bad different, just different... like if I had a weighing device inside me, it would be tipped a little more to the "adult" side rather than the "kid" side now.

But I seem to be talking like I'm out of the haze, and I'm actually not. I'm still very much in the problems that have been surrounding me all semester. I can't write some of the things that have been apart of my battle, but it's a battle with myself that is like no other battle I've ever had to endure before. It's one where there is no way I can come out of it unchanged, or indifferent. I have bad days and good days. And it's the bad days that get me into trouble. I can't keep wondering when my next trouble day will be, I just have to live today and think about today and have a victory TODAY.

I've had a hard time bringing myself to write, and I'm not exactly sure why. It could be a bunch of things, or maybe just one. Not sure, but I'm trying to write again. I found it helps to pray and meditate on God and His love for me, then something inside of me prompts me to write. I can't really explain it.

On another note entirely, I seem to be falling, and I do not mean the bad way.

xoxo, Em

of the rise and fall, i could sing songs capturing it all

2007-12-10T13:49:00.000-08:00

i'm sending you a love letter
i hope it gets to you safely
within it are words so lovely
you will be blinded by them
they will shine through the pain
they will burst through your shell
like stars they will burn
with brilliance and magnificence
my love for you is so great
it will be like nothing you've seen before
all the stars of the galaxy
could crash down into the sea
and the only thing remaining
would be the love that you will see
when you open up my letter
you won't need anything else
your eyes will only gaze at one thing
and that one thing is me
i understand you may not see it now
i know every weight holding you down
i've been carrying you this whole time
but only when you let me does it lift you up
i've seen every demon that has torn you apart
i've been keeping you together
and i know you haven't noticed yet
but that's why i'm sending you my letter
you won't know what to look for
when you search through your mail
but i know just how to get through to you
and you'll be surprised to find
that my love letter has always been there
it has been surrounding you forever
their hands are my hands
their hearts are my hearts
i know you may not understand just yet
and that's ok, my dear one
but this letter is so urgent
you must realize it's already been sent
you haven't been listening to me, child
your heart and mind have grown wild
but i'm sending you this love letter
over and over and over again
until you finally decide to open it
until you finally decide to read it
i'm giving you all my love, daughter
for you are mine and you are loved.

"...is it a bit much to ask for the snow to come down and cover my tracks?"

2007-12-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

hey fun girl, where did you go
did you get swept away
even though you swore
the wind would never take you
hey beautiful girl, where did you go
your heart made you so pretty
not just your temporal smile
but neither one can be found
hey joyful girl, where did you go
why are you hiding your best aspect
did you get swallowed up by your pain
until there was nothing left
hey strong girl, where did you go
your strength has wained before
but never as absent as it is now
just open your eyes and you will see
hey fearless girl, where did you go
i thought i saw you the other day
but it was just my eyes playing a trick
i'm still looking for you

you're still there, i know you are
every part of you
waiting to be put back together
what are you waiting for, amazing girl?

"every line is about who i don't want to write about anymore."

2007-12-07T00:39:00.000-08:00

will this ever end..................? i have so much going on... and i know i can get through it all and i have hope and faith- but oh, how weary i am. how weary my heart is. every day is a battle. every day i have to walk up a hill. and it just seems to be getting bigger each time. will this ever end?

I see your heart...... it's beautiful.

2007-12-02T17:09:00.000-08:00

heyyyyyyyyyy.

So. I have had SO much fun this weekend, it's been amazing! Both Friday and Saturday nights were spent dancing the night away (seriously!) in the official "frat house" of Friley... the one and only Niles-Foster.

It's like a frat, except no creepers, and it's not lame. I love the whole group! I've met so many people and made really good friends through spending so much time with Nick and all the guys on his floor, and the other girls that call Niles-Foster their home pretty much. We kinda feel like one big family. When you put your arms around each other and make one big circle, yelling in chorus "I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys at 2 a.m.... you kinda find yourselves closer than you were before... haha. it's friggin' awesome!

I've been trying my hardest to not dwell on the things going on with my parents, or any other stress-causer in my life that I cannot control. I'm just focusing on myself. I'm focusing on getting through finals week and that's IT. that's all I can do. then it's time to get my wisdom teeth out and I'm not gonna worry about it until December 17th comes around.

I was inspired to paint yesterday, so I painted while Nick recorded in his room, and the creative juices were allowed to flow and it was FANTASTIC! I am so satisfied with the result... I seriously love this painting.

I did all sorts of new, fun techniques, which I love about the arts... really gets me pumped up! Then today, Nick recorded a part he wrote for me to sing in this new song he's recording... it's a pretty acoustic song, not really like his other stuff. I was surprised how shy I was to sing in front of him, and I don't know how many times I had to do it.. over and over and over and over and over again, but I got it pretty perfect and it sounds super good......I can't believe it's me singing! wooo! way fun.

I'm not getting stressed about it being dead week. I love dead week, actually. Even though I have very tough tests to prepare for... being anxious and stressed about tests is not the way to be successful, I've definitely learned that. Just relax and have fun- watch movies while it's cold and snowy outside, drink tea and hot cocoa, and just make sure to study a little every day and you'll be just fine- at least, just do the best you can do, and that's all you should worry about.

P.S. Anybody else TOTALLY EXCITED to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie coming out!?!?! it looks freaking HILARIOUS!!! :)

if I could just breathe......

2007-11-28T00:35:00.000-08:00

The second I got back to Ames, I felt like I could breathe again. It felt like being home, for real.

I OFFICIALLY passed that darn kidney stone that has been causing me THE WORST PAINS EVER for like the past 4 weeks.... I passed it today at about 2 oclock, precisely during my english class (the one with the biotch teacher who doesn't give a rat's behind whether i'm in pain or not). I felt like I had died. But, of course, I was alive and breathing, but in quite a lot of pain still because of the terrible muscle spasms I'm getting in my kidneys from passing the stone. Nick held me in his arms while I cried and yelled the pain out until the ibuprofen started working and i got weak and tired from the whole ordeal I had just been through.

I've been learning so much about life, and if I wasn't such an insomniac that was aware of said insomnia problem and aware of sleep being what I must do even though I am an insomniac.... then I would keep writing about what I've learned and what I am currently learning about life. however, i AM such an insomniac. so I'm taking my sleeping pill and calling it a night.

tomorrow's a big day for me. peace.

"take these broken wings and learn to fly"

2007-11-22T15:44:00.001-08:00

It's been a different kind of Thanksgiving Break for me this fall. Although the circumstances around me have changed, being thankful stays the same. I'm still extremely thankful for the life I have and the people in it. I'm so thankful for my God looking out for me and never leaving me alone during a time of great need and also during times of no particular need at all. I'm so grateful for His love, always flowing down to me, always being revealed to me in the people who care about me.

I can't lie- this has been a really hard day. It's been very depressing. I have to try with every fiber in my body to not let it get me down. I feel trapped in this house, suffocating from the tension and the restraint and the suppressed emotions that just want to burst out of me. I look outside and watch the snow blow around and settle down into the thick blanket of white freezing the ground and killing the plants underneath it. And it makes me think of the reality going on around me right now. Family hasn't been my definition of family for 5 or 6 years, but this time the meaning of family really isn't from my own "nuclear family" at all. If my "nuclear family unit" or whatever you like to call it, were the only sense of family I knew, I certainly wouldn't be the warm, friendly, loving person that I am right now. The portrait of the family has changed over time for me. Family in the sense that I know and love, comes from my "family" of friends that I am so blessed to have. The people that cook fettucini alfredo or macaroni n cheese and sit around watching The Office and drinking tea, that's my family. The people that I laugh with after a good "That's what she said" joke. The people that make me warm and happy on the inside, the ones that, no matter what I may be going through, can make me smile and feel good. THAT'S my family. The ones that I know are praying for me, are thinking about me, are caring about me by just one look into their eyes or one hug into their open arms. I love my family.

You know you have it good when you can sit and literally DO nothing, but feel in your heart a happiness and a joy just to be in the presence of people who reciprocate love and friendship. I have it better than most, I'd say.

It's hard to have this sudden (it may not seem sudden, but it feels that way to me) void in my heart, where I'm just very AWARE that I don't have a real family to go home to... not the kind of family that all my other friends talk about when they are getting ready to leave college for break to go back home to and celebrate a holiday with. But that's what it is, it's a void. It's this empty, blank spot in my heart. But it gets filled up in various ways.... like, Tuesday night when I drove out to Nick's dad's house and watched random tv shows with Nick and his dad, and then when his sisters and stepmom got home they were all there too. It felt like a family. Just sitting there on the couch, watching The Office and Dancing With The Stars, sipping hot cocoa and listening to Barb try to help Nick's little sister Megan with her school project. THe fire place was on. It was warm. It made me happy to see a real family and be around it for a while. That fills my void for the time being. Last night when Nick, Sam, Michelle, Scott, Caleb and I went to Immersion... that did it too. Looking down the row we filled, I felt like I was with my family. Then afterwards, we all went back to Scott's and went on an adventure to make the perfect dinner by getting a bunch of food at Wal-mart... we made fettucini alfredo with chicken, and had apple pie and pumpkin pie with ice cream for desert. Nick and Scott played the piano and me and Michelle sang and hummed, Scott and I "broke into" the Laugerman's house (don't worry James... Stevie gave me permission) to get all of Scott's food that he left over there, and everyone laughed when they found out the cd that is stuck in my now BROKEN cd player is The Freedom Project and it's the only music I can listen to while in my car except for crappy radio stations.

I guess The Beatles got it right when they wrote, "oh I get by with a little help from my friends."
-------------------------------------------

It's uncomfortable here
frozen hearts grow mute
the lights are on but we can't see
the music plays but it's just a dream
cause nothing really works the way it should
when everything that's real is broken.

"I'm afraid you sparked a nerve in me"

2007-11-18T12:46:00.000-08:00

I still feel like I'm in the middle of a deadly storm, but I feel like I can see the end of it now. Somewhere off in the distance. It isn't close, but it isn't out of sight.

I've gone through more trials and suffering in the past month than I think I have ever gone through the past 18 years of my life. I've had it harder than ever before. I think I can say I've had it a lot harder than a lot of people around me. In hindsight, I still believe that everything I've been dealing with has happened for a reason and God chose this path for me and so I will walk it faithfully. But it has not been without struggle. It has not been without brokenness. I dealt with it the way I always deal with things. I go through it kicking and screaming, fighting and resisting like a stubborn mule. I go through it thinking, "how will I ever overcome this? why me? this isn't fair. i can't do this." I feel hopeless, I feel low. I feel dark, lonely, and all alone. But God doesn't give up on me, and neither do my friends and the people who love me. Above all, though, God keeps calling to me to come out of my pain and the darkness and into His arms. And finally, I'm answering. There is always that moment, that day when you realize you have to respond, you can't ignore it any longer and keep living the way you are, dependent on things that won't fix you like God can.

I'm starting to feel like I'm being me again, like I'm being Emily. I'm smiling up at the cloudy sky and it isn't closing in on me making me feel small and insignificant. I'm happy. :)

Citrate is my new best, and worst, friend.

2007-11-15T00:06:00.000-08:00

After my appointment today with a Urologist at McFarland Clinic, I am now taking 6 pills of Potassium Citrate a day (2 pills 3 times), every day, forever. and they are horse pills. they are not easy to swallow one bit. they make me gag a little. they taste bad. I have never been prescribed 500 pills before for one prescription filling, ever.

This is going to change my life.

I hope it fixes my kidney stones issue. Because Dr. Milleman said, after all, I may just be un-fixable.

I'm overwhelmed.

p.s.- I have insomnia!

"...every plan is a tiny prayer to father time"

2007-11-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

Oh, how life has changed. Honestly... I wish I could be 9 again for the time being. I wish my parents took me to Disney World and all I had on my mind was to decide between going on Space Mountain or Splash Mountain. That's it. Nothing else. But wishing is silly.

I just feel so adult-like. Well, I feel like I've been thrusted into adult-like circumstances, forcing me to act like an older, adult-like figure rather than the still-learning-how-to-be-mature 19 year old that I truly am.

The day I had to be rushed off to the Emergency Room changed my entire life around. It was instantaneously rearranged in every aspect. I can't believe I spent 7 or 8 straight days drugged up on vicodin to get at least some pain relief from the excruciating pain I felt radiating in both sides of my abdomen area. I can't believe how fast I spiraled into depression. how exhausted I was at every moment of every day, never hoping to wake up the next morning with happiness in my heart because I couldn't see any hope. Any hope of becoming better and getting healthy and pain-free again was slashed every moment I felt a tiny, jagged stone moving through my body making me wish I were dead... causing weariness and suffering that I would never wish upon anyone else...never.

The struggle I have faced and am still facing to be a college student while dealing with this sickness almost made me just one to give up and drop out. To be completely honest, I was so close to wanting to just leave. And I still wonder if I would have been better off if I had... just for the semester... I don't know. I am currently seeking help from my Hixson scholarship program head, Debra Sanborn, to see what she can do to help me with my situation. I also contacted my Adviser, well, my old Adviser but the one that knows me personally and knows my past struggle with this sickness from last year. I'm learning that asking for help is not as easy as you think it would be. But I'm learning that it is necessary at times, especially a time like this. I am seriously so anxious to see what's going to happen these next few days, next couple weeks... I need help, and I am just praying they have mercy on me for this being such a horrible sickness I can't control, and give me some kind of break. I need something to help me out here, desperately.

In a conversation with Nick just the other day, I told him how I came to a place in my heart where I can seriously profess I wouldn't have things any other way. No matter how much physical pain I've foregone, no matter how weary I have become, no matter how much it sucks and I hate it... I cannot say I wish it were different. Not really. I know this is what God has chosen for me to go through, and I know I am not alone. I know my faith will get me through all of this, God never fails us. I know that in my heart. I trust that.

I had an ultrasound today at McFarland Clinic with a nice lady named Wendy in the Radiology department. No... I don't have a bun in the oven. My doctor ordered the ultrasound to check what is going on inside of me, see if I have anything else going on besides kidney stones, possibly gallstones or other things of that nature. She took tons of photos, it took a good half an hour, longer than any other ultrasound I've had (this was my fourth). Usually I've just gotten my kidneys and bladder looked at, but she looked at a ton of organs, some that I can't even remember. I do remember pancreas, gallbladder, and kidneys... but yeah, I don't know there were a lot. Nick came with me to the appointment and it helped calm my nerves. Being around doctors and anything medical makes me uneasy and nervous because I have a great distrust in doctors that goes very far back in my past.

I have an appointment with a Urologist tomorrow at 2:30. I am looking forward to the possibility of actually DOING something about my kidney stone problem, but I am also not looking forward to this meeting at all. I am going to it alone and I have never done that... ever. I don't know this doctor and they don't know me. So I have to tell them the ENTIRE story beginning from when I got my first stone attack at the age of 13. I am afraid I won't sufficiently explain my story or that I'll forget things or accidentally leave something out. It's hard to remember everything that has happened. I basically have no idea what's going to happen at this appointment and that makes me nervous.

All of these things just make me feel like I am much older than I really am. And I'm not sure I like that. Not yet. Alas, that is where I find myself.

unity

2007-11-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

I could lay with you forever
just to never live a moment
without you by my side

I could sing with all my lungs
if only you would sing with me
and our voices become one

I could fall asleep in your arms
as long as you want me to
please say you want me to

may we remain side by side
may our voices unify
may we sleep until the world ends

as long as I'm with you.

"This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world..."

2007-11-09T10:03:00.000-08:00

well I don't think I drowned the whole world, but I probably have cried a river over the past 2 weeks. I probably cried a small creek just last night at Salt Company.

The whole night overwhelmed my heart. The minute I started singing in the first set of worship songs, I started tearing up. When we sang my favorite song of all time (From the Inside Out), it made a steady flow of tears begin to fall. When the woman got up and shared a little bit of her story and that the night was going to be about trials and suffering, I couldn't believe the timing of this message. Right in the midst of my biggest trial, my most suffering, we're going to talk about it at Salt. Oh geez. I needed kleenex very badly at this point, but Erin had none in her purse. I just had to use my sleeves. Then she sang a song that made me flat out start bawling. The words about going through the fire but not going through it alone, it was like God was speaking to me and only me. I cried the entire time Mark gave the message. My eyes were absolutely burning at that point.

I'm not being persecuted for being a Christian and suffering because of that, but I am suffering and it is a kind of suffering that God chose for me to go through and live through and use as a testimony to show others my faith and show God's glory. When Mark said one of his main points was that suffering doesn't make sense without God, that one really got to me. Because these past 2 weeks, I tried to make sense of how much pain I was constantly in... but the truth was it never made sense. Feeling the kidney stone pain frequently all day long, being unable to stand at night when it hit countless times up in Nick's room, having to explain time after time again to every professor what was going on with me... it accumulated to WAY too much pain for just one person, in my head. But then last night at Salt, it forced me to look at my suffering through the cross-lense, as Mark called it. I saw it God's way, not just my human way. And I was determined to not miss this opportunity to use my suffering as a tool to strengthen my own faith and maybe even the faith of others, maybe others who don't know about Jesus yet.

I thought I was done with the tears, but they started up again during the last set of worship songs. And then when we were free to leave, I turned to Erin and I just LOST it. And she hugged me and held onto me. And then I felt someone else surround me and my sister in a hug. For a brief second I opened one blurry eye and saw a charcoal gray-colored sleeve and I knew it was Nick. And then the three of us broke apart, and Nick just pulled me in again and held me while I continued to cry and cry and cry, and Erin got me napkins to blow my nose....finally. It was like I was crying all the pain out, releasing it all.

Last night was... exhausting.

bring back the sun

2007-11-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

I can't even explain it. I'm fighting something, but it's not what I normally would be fighting against. Usually I'm fighting against some bad situation and the things it makes me feel, some uncontrollable force outside of me that is hurting me and trying to bring me down, but this time on top of that I am fighting against myself. I don't know if anyone can relate, but you have some inner desire to do something that your logic and reason tells you is actually harmful and destructive, yet you want to do it anyway because you are so far down it's the only thing you care about doing- despite all the warnings, despite the tears of loved ones, despite the pleading of a mother, a sister, a friend.

I want to hide it, but it's not really possible. Not when your eyes are staring into mine knowingly, looking through me as if you see through the facade I wear. It's weird to know of something from the outside perspective for so long, like you've always stood so far away from actually being in the situation you've seen other people on tv and movies find themselves in... but all the sudden, I found myself in the situation and I got lost in the spiral just like everyone else seemed to do.

I'm trying to fight it. I'm not winning and I'm not losing, I'm just struggling somewhere in the middle. Your prayers and your hugs and your caring eyes are all that keep me from running away.

I'm not ready to give up on myself. Please don't give up on me yet.

Aubrey is right. the only pain medicine I need right now is God.

scream until the microphones are gone...

2007-11-05T21:41:00.000-08:00

I am loved.

I am taking this one day at a time.

God is in the people who take care of me.

He has not abandoned me.

I am not alone.

I am loved.

And then everything changed

2007-11-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and HEALS ALL YOUR DISEASES***,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

***thank you Erin, my amazing sister, for this Psalm, and for hope.

just waiting to drown

2007-11-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am freaking out.....

I'm so sick of living this life of... sickness. I'm sick of living like this, with an inability to go out and do anything fun, having to depend on other people completely, being a damn burden to the people i depend on, always trying to remember what doses of medicine i still need to take and what i've already taken, just not being able to DO much of anything. I hate having to depend on medicine to take away physical pain, because it takes away the pain, but it leaves you completely lifeless. And being lifeless like that eats away at my spirit. My joyful, happy, bubbly, spunky, cheery, energetic, vivacious spirit. I no longer feel like I am Emily, I don't feel like myself. And I hate that there's nothing I can do about it. Because, if I don't take the drugs they prescribed me to help me, then I'm not going to get better. But while I'm on the road to "getting better," basically I'm just this blob of cells lying in the dark in a bed, alone, feeling nothing but feeling everything all at the same time. Feeling nothing, being numbed up so nothing hurts while 2 tiny little stones move down through a tiny tube inside my body, but my heart hurts, my mind hurts- these medicines give me headaches, they make me dizzy, they make me nauseous, they make me sleepy and loopy, I act retarted in front of Nick and I'm glad he's patient because honestly I would get so sick of me.

Here's the thing about strength. There are two kinds, there's inner strength, and there's outer strength. Being strong doesn't mean you have either of these during a time of great trial and hardship. Being strong doesn't mean I can be in the middle of passing a kidney stone and i'm crying and then all the sudden because I'm such a strong person I can make that kidney stone fall right out of me, or that I can sit up in the middle of all that pain and say praise God I am in all this pain right now. No. That is NOT what being strong is about. Being strong comes from after all the pain has run its course. It comes when the hardship is overcome, and it comes through when I can say I knew inside my soul that all along I would come out alive after all of this pain and suffering, and I did. It comes through when I can get myself out of bed and feel the strength in my bones and my muscles and tendons as I start doing physically active things I couldn't do when my body was passing these stones. It comes from attitude. It comes from being a survivor. It comes from my testimony after my suffering has subsided for the time being. Pain is pain. Some people tolerate more pain than others, but I guarantee any person out there, no matter if they're a body builder or a thin, little college student like myself, or a mountain climber, or whatever- this pain would bring them to their knees, crying. And that doesn't make a person not strong. It makes them a person who is in pain. And that can't be helped. There are a lot of sicknesses out there that honestly can be prevented and shouldn't be that hard to prevent and a lot of it is common sense... but then there are things like kidney stones. My ER doctor from Monday said it the best: "sometimes you just can't beat genetics." And they asked me question after question about all kinds of stone-related prevention techniques, and every one of them I could tell them yes I do that, yes I drink that, yes I tried that. But I still have 2 kidney stones inside of me. You do the math- it's genetics. Can't be helped.

Strength is not tested by pain and suffering, it comes OUT of it and FROM it. It comes after the fact. There is no question I am super weak right now. But I am a strong person- ask anyone and they'll vouch for me on that one. I am a strong person because of the way I come out of these periods of pain and suffering. I'm so weak right now, in every way possible. And it's driving me crazy. I want to jump out of bed and go walk around campustown with my friends and go out to a movie and go do this and go do that, but I can't. I can hardly walk to the bathroom right across the hall without almost falling over from dizziness and faintness. I'm angry- angry at genetics. I'm pissed off. I'm depressed I have done nothing but struggle this week to get to class, which I rarely accomplished, and to make it to meals. I'm ashamed that I have depended on Nick for almost everything this week, that he has seen me high on vicodin and helped me to the bathroom to throw up, that he has been forced to hold onto me so that I don't fall over walking me back to my room at night. I'm embarrassed, I'm upset, I'm so frustrated with this disease. I'm mad that people think that I should just stop whining already and get on with my life- anyone out there who thinks that should probably get a kidney stone and tell me how you feel, and then try having them for 6 years and realize you will have them until you die, THEN come to me and tell me to stop whining.

the end.

misery

2007-10-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like a vegetable. Always needing to just sit or lay down and do nothing. I basically never feel good. I mostly either feel pain, sad, numb, weak, and/or miserable. If I don't feel feverish from my kidney stone infection, then it's my hacking cough that won't ever stop and causes my throat great discomfort. If my cough is suppressed for a little bit, then I get drowsy, dizzy and weak from my pain meds so if I'm walking or out somewhere I'm basically gonna collapse unless someone is with me to walk me back to my room to lie down. Thank the Lord for Nick Brannen. If I'm not having any of those problems, I am nauseous or maybe even feel more kidney stone pain as I pass my stupid stones. I AM COMPLETELY MISERABLE. I am not afraid to say that I am completely depressed right now too. I obviously am not my normal, happy self- OBVIOUSLY, I mean come on... anybody in my shoes would be depressed.

I am afraid to try to go to sleep. Because immediately when I lay down and get comfortable, I get bronchial spasms and hack my brains out and wake up all of Friley probably with how loud my cough is. Once I calm down from that, I am all nauseous and dizzy from all the movement from hacking and sitting up and doing my inhaler. So I know I'm not gonna get any good sleep. ONce again. For the past like 3 nights. Tonight isnt gonna be any different.

Basically, I am a mess. a complete mess. just shoot me now.

all we know is falling

2007-10-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how fast life can change. But at the same time, I feel like I've been building up to this moment for the past month... like I should have expected it. But I guess you can't really expect something so unpredictable, just the fact that something you can't control and can't predict is going to happen probably- eventually, at some point. There's something crazy about the moment when I realize a difference between something I can handle and something I need major help with. I honestly cannot explain it in words... all I can say is, it's very memorable. That moment I realize I'm not just crying because it hurts, but I'm screaming and wishing I were dead because it unbearably hurts. Now I will tell you why I wrote all of that. I wrote that because of this:

Over the weekend, I became progressively more and more ill with a cold. It turned into more than just a stuffy nose and a sore throat... it became a bronchial spasming cough that left my throat shredded that left me with no voice and kept me from sleeping more than a couple hours for the entire night. Last night was the worst, nothing I tried would help me stop coughing every time I began to fall asleep. Since I didn't get any sleep, I didn't wake up for my 11 oclock class, so I roused myself a little after noon and made it to lunch with Nick. THe entire lunch I just felt like crying because my throat hurt so bad and I still had no voice and coughed like a barking dog mixed with a hacking smoker of 50 years, which all is very depressing because I feel like I am just ALWAYS sick. Nick tried to help me not think about it so I wouldn't get more depressed, and tried to help me focus on one thing at a time.

I had an exam in my law class this afternoon, so after lunch, he bought me a smoothie and we walked to the book store to get me some blue books for my exam. On the way back to Friley, I felt kidney pain, and it was getting more and more painful the more we walked. He supported me and watched how I progressed into a complete mess because the pain was so bad. When we made it back to my room, I collapsed onto my futon cushion and then that moment came- that moment I was talking about before. All the sudden, I had flashes in my head back to my freshman and sophomore years of high school, the two instances I experienced excruciating kidney stone pain that I absolutely could not bear and had to be rushed to the Emergency Room by my mom. I was having that pain, and I might even say it was WORSE than the other 2 times. I was screaming (of course it was a wheezy scream because I still had barely a voice), and I was telling Nick that I just wanted to die, it hurt that bad. I frantically got ahold of my mom and through my screaming and crying, we decided Nick would drive me to the ER, and my mom would leave immediately from her job and get to Ames as fast as possible. Once at the ER, after filling out ridiculous paperwork and signing all sorts of crap while I was freaking in pain, I finally got back into a room. I gave a urine sample. It hurt. I undressed and got into the stupid hospital gown. Honestly those things are the worst invention ever- why don't they have a hook in the back!?!? Anyway... they got all sorts of information from me, took my vitals, the nurse took a blood sample and stuck me with an I.V., finally giving me pain medicine. Ahh. Pain relief at once. Then they attached the fluid bag and flushed me with 500 mL of fluid through the IV. I asked Nick to come back into the room and be with me til the doctor came. Shortly after, my mom and sister rushed into the room to be at my side. I joked with them about random things (I find that I do that in tense situations whenever I am hospitalized) until someone came to take me to the radiology room for a wonderful CAT-scan. Nick wheeled me in my wheel chair with the lady pulling my fluid bag pole attached to my IV, and I did the CAT-scan. I've done many of them before, but still I felt like I was in a space ship the whole time and it was kind of entertaining. I was very relaxed from the pain medicine they had given me, so things were pleasant. back in the room, we waited for results. I was so glad to have my mom and my sister with me, and Nick too. They helped me so much just by being there.

So the results. Cat-scan showed I have 2 stones waiting to pass. One is high up, one is at the bottom of the ureter ready to drop into the bladder. They are both very small, so no blockage problems or anything, no need for surgery (I suppose that's a good thing). But at the same time, it means I have to pass them naturally... and just deal with the pain, whenever it chooses to strike. I also have a urinary tract infection from having the stones, which is very common and I am no stranger to having trust me. But the infection is causing me to feel very nauseous and feverish all the time, it caused me quite a lot of problems last night trying to sleep. ugh. umm.. what else. Oh, they gave me an inhaler for my cough thank the LORD, so that's helping a lot. They also gave me these pearl drops that help numb my chest and hopefully help suppress the cough as well. So I have an antibiotic for my infection, which makes me very nauseous if I don't have enough food in my stomach when I take it. They also gave me Vicodin for my pain as I pass the stones hopefully sometime this week. I had to be on the Vicodin last night because I got a lot of pain again, and then all throughout the night I was nauseous... I don't think I had enough food in me when I took it, I dont know, I have a sensitive stomach to all these medications. So this morning sucked, I didn't make my 9:30 class being drugged up on Vicodin, having to use my inhaler 3 or 4 times in the middle of the night and waking up every few hours feverish and sick to my stomach. It's just not fun. Not fun at all.

I almost started crying when I opened up my e-mail this morning, and had an e-mail from my hardcore law professor, Dr. Waggoner, in response to my e-mail to her yesterday as I was screaming in pain before Nick took me to the ER... she told me her "hubby" had kidney stones so she understood how much pain I was in, and to not worry about class at all, and to just "give her a holler" when I am well again. She's awesome. Kindness from professors never goes unnoticed by me... because I've had so many experiences with them being absolutely mean and very unhelpful.

I know God is with me through all of this, I know He is my strength, I know that I can deal with this and overcome all the pain. It's just very painful and very hard on my spirit, not just my physical body. I need all the prayers I can get. I am very weary.

Love, Em

"there's nothing you can make that can't be made, there's no one you could save that can't be saved..."

2007-10-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

After spending so much time looking inward, and reflecting, and evaluating... I start to look outward with great fervor and passion. I've focused a lot on myself because I had to, whether it was dealing with my sickness and my feelings with all of that and my strength, whether it's looking inside myself and figuring out what needs to be done to get back on track with God, or whatever.. I've just had to spend a lot of time dealing with myself, definitely limiting how much I am able to focus on others, to focus outward. I think both are important, but I know that they can't always be balanced perfectly in life too. That's kinda just how it is.

So I'm really paying attention to what's going on with the people surrounding me, and I just really care about them. A lot. I care so freaking much, it hurts. I want to help so bad, but I know I can't do anything and I shouldn't because it's not my job to fix everyone else's problems- I know that. But I still care so much. Like I wish I could fix what's going on at my home, I wish I could make depressed people not as depressed, I wish I could help an off-tracker get back on track, I wish I could change what happened to make a cheery girl so dreary and different now, I wish I could help a lost soul get found, I wish I could fix everything so that the people I care about could not feel down or hurt or discouraged. I just want everybody to feel good and have no problems. But of course, that's not how humanity is supposed to be. I still find myself wanting it though, I can't help it. I just hate seeing others stumble, fall, cry, and hurt. Maybe it hurts me so much because I know how much it hurts, to whatever extent. I may be only 19, but I've got a lot of experiences under my belt thus far. I wouldn't say my life is anything close to pain-free or easy or un-burdened. I also wouldn't say it's sooooooo unbearably hard and bad all the time, but I have definitely seen a lot and felt a lot that gives me insight into other people's problems.

I just really, really care. It breaks my heart.

let's be more than this

2007-10-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

What a crappy week in the life of Emily Sexton. I've probably had 10 + hours of killer kidney stone pain, I think I have an infection with it which is common but of course will be gone before my doctor sees me (that's how it always goes I swear...), I honestly couldn't go to a ton of my classes this week because I was in pain and couldn't walk, and I just feel like everything is falling to pieces. My body is weak, I can't sleep at night and in the morning I have no strength, I'm trying to stay on top of my education and it's almost virtually impossible when I have the burden of a frickin disease hurting me over and over again, never letting me catch a break or stop to relax. The only moments of relief I get have been the times I hung out at night before bed up in Nick's room, helping him write his rhetorical analysis, studying for tests, drinking tea, and him making me laugh and feel happy for once. THis week has sucked. I have a cold on top of it now, my throat hurts and my nose is plugged.

At least my Health Studies 215 instructor was extremely kind and gave me her home phone number to call this weekend and set up a time for me to make up the exam I missed one of the mornings I was writhing in pain in my bed.

At least I got to eat dinner with my favorite youth pastor ever, yes, Mr. Brandon Barker, with my sister, Jamie, and Laina at Laina's apartment before he spoke at Salt last night.

At least I got to be lifted up at Salt last night by thinking about my home waiting for me in heaven and the living hope I inherited from God that is the one thing in this world that won't fade away and die.

At least I am registered for my spring '08 classes and that's done with, and I am officially an English major concentrating in Rhetorical Studies.

At least I had Nick to come to my room and sit with me and keep me company for an hour and a half while I lied knocked out from pain medication and felt completely miserable from kidney pain.

At least I got to make it to Wednesday TV night with the girls and hang out with Zach too.

At least I was told my memoir was the best thing I've ever written. That makes me happy. Thank you.

As always, I will conclude that the positive far outweighs the negative. But the negative still hurts a lot. And the truth is, I am physically very weak and unstable. It takes everything in me to muster up strength to walk out the door and go to class.

<3

my memoir:

2007-10-23T14:05:00.000-07:00

Emily Sexton
Engl. 305
10/22/07
Word count: 3,732

Looking Good, Feeling Pain

It’s a lot like knives. It’s like a bunch of knives piercing your most delicate skin. It’s like the stabbing of a wound over and over again in the same spot. These knives move as one element, like a wave of sea water crashing upon edgy rocks. But it’s all going on inside of you, in the tiniest parts of you. You wonder how such a small thing could cause such devastating consequences. But there was no questioning once it hit. Once it hit, I was down for the count. Once it hit, I was uncomfortably aware that my body was under attack, and like a best friend I would do anything to fight for and protect, I would do anything I could to get rid of the pain, to rid my poor, defenseless body of such horrible affliction. My body became so much more precious to me than ever before. So I wiggled and twisted and inhaled and exhaled and squeezed and yelled. Still losing the fight. Pain still unbearable. And so I took my first trip to the emergency room, and so I began walking the path to discovering the cause of all this sudden pain… I was diagnosed with Renal Stone Disease. I was in the 8th grade.

It’s not fair, really. “Isn’t this an old-person’s disease, mom?” I was only thirteen. I started going to see a kidney specialist to figure out the course of action we were going to take to deal with my disorder. There are pills. There are surgeries. There are metal objects that poke and prod and go places I would never say out loud. There are lasers. There are shock waves. There are special diets. There are more tests, more ultrasounds, more x-rays, more radiation. A few days before Christmas, I had another stone episode and ended up in the emergency room for the third time in two weeks. My mom carried me down the three flights of snowy stairs from our apartment to get to the car. “How bad is it, honey?” “Oh Mom… please, make it stop, mom! Just let me die.” Christmas goodies didn’t seem so great, they began to lose their glitter when my immature mind was cluttered with fear and paranoia of the next kidney stone attack.

“A kidney stone is a hard mass that occurs when calcium oxalate or other chemicals in the urine form crystals that stick together. These crystals may grow into stones ranging in size from a grain of sand to a golf ball… Some one million Americans--the majority between the ages of 20 and 40--are treated each year for kidney stones. Kidney stones are more common in men, who account for about four out of five cases.” –The National Kidney Foundation

Over the winter months and into spring, the paranoia consumed me completely. I was always wondering if I would feel that first little pang… if I got a hunger pain or a cramp or anything that might turn into the hours of excruciating kidney stone pain, I was always conscious. Always aware. It might happen at ANY TIME… and there’s nothing I could do to know when. I get dropped off at soccer practice and hear, “drink, drink, drink, Em! Gotta flood out those kidneys!” None of the other kids are thinking about their kidneys as they get out of the car to go play soccer. I end up crying and writhing around in the nurse’s office at school one afternoon. It was the big mile-run day at Indian Hills Jr. High School. The intense heat dehydrated me, as I’m sure it did my classmates also, but my body reacts a little differently than most. I have been a runner all my life, an excellent sprinter. My long legs give me an advantage, and I always ran a successful mile time just a little above average compared to my classmates… until this. I couldn’t finish the mile-run. The knives were back and worse than ever… and I had to explain to the nurse that I had kidney stones. “Really, now that’s interesting… kidney stones in a young thing like you? That’s almost unheard of, isn’t it?” None of the other kids were unable to finish the mile-run in gym that day due to their kidneys. So I spent the rest of the day knocked out from pain medication.

“Stones form twice as often in men as women. The peak age in men is 30 years; women have a bimodal age distribution, with peaks at 35 and 55 years. Once a kidney stone forms, the probability that a second stone will form within five to seven years is approximately 50%.” -Parmar

I entered high school like any other 14-year-old girl. I didn’t know who I was, but I was excited to start a new chapter in my youth. I had a new best friend every month, crushes on all the popular boys, I found out I thrived in my English class and dived in my algebra class. I was a healthy, skinny, athletic blonde with a new haircut and a summer tan. Things change fast though, and they appear differently than they really are. It was a Sunday night in early October, and I fell asleep at 11 o’clock, thinking the next thing I was going to be doing was getting up to go to school. That’s not what happened at all. An hour after falling asleep, I felt my world crash down around me as I realized the pain in my lower-abdomen was not going away and only getting stronger. More knives piercing me over and over again. More waves crushing me. Bricks were piling on top of the knives pushing them harder and harder into my little body. It’s hard to even put the pain into words. After lying in my bed trying to suppress my screams for half an hour, I crawled on my hands and knees in the dark up the stairs to get to my parents’ bedroom. My tears were enough to clue them in on what was going on, so they pulled me into bed with them and tried everything in their power to make me feel better, even though nothing could. I vomited my pain medication back up not even five minutes after I swallowed it, I couldn’t stand nor sit up, I was crying, and all my mom could do was lay next to me and let me squeeze her hand. It was now 4 a.m. and I had had no relief. I had never been in that much pain for that long EVER… I had never imagined it either. It was completely surreal.

“…Usually, the symptom of a kidney stone is extreme pain that has been described as being worse than child labor pains. The pain often begins suddenly as the stone moves in the urinary tract, causing irritation and blockage. Typically, a person feels a sharp, cramping pain in the back and in the side of the area of the kidney or in the lower abdomen, which may spread to the groin.” –The Urology Center of Florida

I had also never been on morphine before. But then again, you would assume most 14-year-olds hadn’t experienced a major narcotic like that. It’s too bad my experience with it almost killed me. I think if I ever did drugs, the way I felt as the nurse stabbed the I.V. into my hand would probably have the same effect. That’s because they mistakenly overdosed me, a lot. We’re talking three milligrams they were supposed to inject versus the ten milligrams they actually gave me. On the bright side, the six hours of straight pain I had gone through by the time I was lying in the emergency room, completely subsided in a matter of seconds. In fact, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. People were swooping in and out of and around the room in blurs, my mom’s words of worry were muffled and slurred, everyone was on edge and their faces were tense, but I was in another world in my mind. I closed my eyes and thought opening them again might be a little too hard to manage. My body tingled slightly and then it was like a soft darkness veiled over it, like I was covered in a black shroud floating in the sky in some far-off galaxy.

After that, I don’t remember much. I awoke in another room, a real hospital room, the room I would remain for the next three days. I didn’t know why I was awake, it was still very early in the morning… then I found my answer. This is when the vomiting began. If anyone gives you morphine, just remember that it takes away the pain, but it will make your stomach very upset. Don’t ask me why, but I counted… and the official count stopped at twenty-five. Once you vomit twenty-five times, there is obviously no food left in your stomach, so you start to throw up a disgusting substance I learned was called “bile”, a bitter alkaline fluid that comes from your gallbladder. If the hours of leaning over bedpans weren’t bad enough… I got no sleep, I was lonely, I hated the cheery nurses that came in to take my blood pressure and check my I.V., the stench I associate with hospitals made me feel sicker than I already was, I couldn’t hold my head up longer than two seconds, and every now and then I felt waves of kidney pain start and stop like a big tease.

Serious side effects of morphine:
• shallow breathing, slow heartbeat;
• seizure (convulsions);
• cold, clammy skin;
• confusion;
• severe weakness or dizziness; or
• feeling light-headed, fainting.
Less serious side effects are more likely to occur, such as:
• constipation;
• warmth, tingling, or redness under your skin;
• nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, diarrhea, loss of appetite;
• dizziness, headache, anxiety;
• memory problems; or
• sleep problems (insomnia).

It was the longest and cruelest day of my life. I felt like I had the body of an 80-year-old. And when I was finally freed from the cage that hospital had become to me, I NEVER wanted to smell that hospital stench EVER again. Back at home, all I did was lay around. That’s all I really could do. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or walk further than the bathroom without needing someone to help me. My body was going to take a while to adjust back to normal after such a painful experience… and especially because of the heavy use of narcotics I had been exposed to. “Give it a couple weeks, Em… you’ll gain your strength back, just give it time.” But it was too much. I was too young to feel like this, too weak to want to try to get better, and I slipped into a three-fold state of depression: physically, psychologically, and spiritually. I couldn’t look at my dad because I was mad at him for giving me bad genes and looking at him made me want to yell and punch him for the pain he caused me. I couldn’t walk up the stairs without a wave of exhaustion washing over my body, forcing me to grasp the railing like a feeble, old grandmother. I hated God and turned away from Him because He let it happen to me. I stopped praying, I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped going to youth group and church, I stopped everything. I hated anyone I passed by that wasn’t breathing heavily from just walking and moving around. Anyone who was happy and healthy. I looked at them and thought how I used to be just like them before December of my 8th grade year.

The worst was people’s reactions when they found out why I hadn’t been in school for a week. They couldn’t believe I was ailed by such a serious thing. They had no idea what the pain was like. And you could see it on their faces, like when you reveal something really significant to someone and they just sort of take it like they would the weekend gossip. And then after about a week, everyone around you starts to treat you like you’re just fine. Because you’re walking, you’re sitting in class, you’re talking by the lockers with your friends. But inside… inside you’re weak and dead. You have so much healing left to do. So much strength left to gain back. But to the human eye, you look completely normal. I wanted people to understand, I wanted them to know. And I also didn’t want them to know… I wanted to hide it. I struggled with that for a very long time, long after I had gained back most of my physical strength… which took a good two months. When the spring soccer season rolled around, it was time for me to try out for our high school’s team… my first real tryout for a competitive high school sport. After my hospital stay, my visits with my kidney specialist left me with an order to try to “treat” my kidney problems by making sure I was always staying hydrated. Once soccer season arrived, this got much harder. Every time I had to stop and grab an extra drink, I wished I could go back to the careless days at soccer practice when I didn’t once think about preventing such a thing as kidney stones. I performed to my best ability, but sometimes my best wasn’t as good as everyone else because of kidney stones. Sometimes I had to sit on the side lines. Sometimes I had to leave early. Sometimes I couldn’t finish the drills. All because of something inside of me that no one could see. Soccer coaches are accustomed to seeing twisted ankles and torn ACL’s, not kidney stones. They only knew by my facial expression that I was in pain.

“A number of risk factors play major roles in stone formation. The first is loss of body fluids (dehydration). When one does not consume enough fluids during the day, the urine often becomes quite concentrated and darker. This increases the chance that crystals can form from materials within the urine, because there is less fluid available to dissolve them.”

On a steaming day later in the summer, I found myself sitting in the familiar small office of my kidney specialist. I walked through the familiar hospital filled with familiar faces all from sad, tired, weak, old men and women hobbling into the elevators and sitting in their wheelchairs in the waiting rooms. Their silver hair and wrinkled hands looked nothing like my long, blonde hair pulled back in a sporty pony-tail and my athletic little legs in my white soccer shorts, no wrinkles to date. Test results had revealed my fatal flaw. I cocked my head and narrowed my eyes at this peculiar discovery. My body doesn’t produce as much citrate as it should be producing. Therefore, I have the tendency to form kidney stones from the lack of kidney stone inhibitors, which comes from citrate. I have a “metabolic abnormality”.

I glanced back and forth between my doctor and my mom for answers to questions I haven’t formed just yet. I figured out that what he was saying was that this isn’t just a momentary problem. My doctor looked at me when he spoke to me, which was weird because I usually had very little understanding of anything he said… I was just a kid; I kind of wished he would just look at my mom instead. This was all very foreign to me. My mind was probably distracted thinking about when my next soccer game was. But when the words ‘citrate’ and ‘metabolic abnormality’ kept flying out of his mouth, I was hooked. Then I looked to my mom for some kind of assurance that everything was going to be ok no matter what words were coming out of his mouth. “There is a medication we could put you on. It has a good success rate. I hesitate though… you’re extremely young to be worrying about taking a pill twice a day for the rest of your life. Discuss it with your mom, don’t feel rushed, we’ve got plenty of time. I’ll see you guys in a few months.” I listened to my mom tell me she agrees that I am too young to start taking such a long-lasting medication. She didn’t promise a solution, because there really isn’t one. But she always hugged me the right way that told me, “I don’t know what’s going to happen, sweetie, but I’m always going to be right here with you to help you through it.”

“…Potassium citrate attaches to calcium in the urine, preventing the formation of mineral crystals that can develop into kidney stones.”

“…About half of children with stones have an identifiable metabolic disorder, which increases their risk of stone recurrence five-fold.”

When the one-year anniversary for my hospitalization came around, I cheered a little inside. I got on with my sophomore year of high school, feeling older, cooler, and healthy again. And I wish with all of my heart I could end the story here and conclude that I lived happily ever after, but I went down the other path, the path to inexplicable pain. I began making weekly trips to the nurse’s office. They saw me so much that year they told me I was kind of like a daughter to them. They got used to my half-bent over posture walking weakly through the wooden door, continuing on to the back room where the lights remain off and I can lie down for one class period or however long it took. They provided me with a heating pad to hold on my back to help with the frequent muscle spasms I was now getting from my disorder… they didn’t hurt as bad as kidney stones themselves, but felt very similar.

One night in February, I awoke to a horrifying sense of deja-vu. “No, no, no… this cannot be happening again. No, please, not again.” I started begging and pleading with God. I wanted Him to reach out and just suck the stone or stones right out of my body with His own two hands. When I made it upstairs and woke my mom up, it was like I was experiencing the October stone attack all over again, but somehow it was worse, somehow it was even more painful. My mom was so cautious to drive me to the hospital. But I knew what was going on inside of me. I knew it wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. And it didn’t. It went on for three more hours… and I threatened to drive myself to the hospital if she wouldn’t do it, I was so desperate for pain relief, I felt like I could just die from the pressure of the knives. I lay crumpled in the passenger seat as my mom drove at the speed of light to get me to that emergency room. I was wailing and screaming my head off. When they got me into a bed, my body started to convulse uncontrollably from all the pain. They rolled me into the x-ray room as fast as they could, promising pain relief in just a couple more minutes… those minutes felt like hours. At last, they covered me with a heated blanket to help with my convulsions, and they gave me an I.V., carefully checking my wristband the emergency room attendant had attached specifically warning NO MORPHINE, so I didn’t find out until later what narcotic they put me on that time. When I was roused sometime in the afternoon from my sleep, my mom mentioned it was some narcotic called Newbane that doctors said they give to women who are in labor. I was just glad it didn’t make me throw up twenty-five times. I lied in that hospital bed for three days, barely moving, speaking, or existing really. It was depressing.

“Some people are more susceptible to forming kidney stones, and heredity certainly plays a role. The majority of kidney stones are made of calcium, and hypercalciuria (high levels of calcium in the urine), is a risk factor. The predisposition to high levels of calcium in the urine may be passed on from generation to generation. Some rare hereditary diseases also predispose some people to form kidney stones. Examples include people with renal tubular acidosis and people with problems metabolizing a variety of chemicals including cystine (an amino acid), oxalate, (a type of salt), and uric acid (as in gout).”
--eMedicineHealth

One year following my February hospitalization, my mom and sister presented me with a single yellow rose. That rose represented so much to me. In its petals, I saw the pain of my past woven into the pain of my present, and inevitably the pain of my future. But it was yellow, like the sunshine. It was hope. Smelling its sweet fragrance made me calm. I think with every long-lasting problem you are forced to deal with in your life, you have to accept it as being a part of who you are. I don’t like having a kidney stone disease. I don’t wish it upon anyone else. I don’t like that it stained all four years of my high school career with tears and sweat and anger. But it also made me stronger, and without that strength, I wouldn’t be the girl I am today. My friends look at me and envy my slender body and my toned stomach. But there’s so much more to me than that. And people recognize that too, which is all that really matters. They recognize my strength and perseverance that comes from my struggle with renal stone disease. They witness my exuberant joy that results from taking full advantage of healthy, happy times after years of suffering and pain. I may appear to have a great body, but my confidence comes more from overcoming time after time after time of painful kidney stone episodes than people complimenting how good I look in my skinny jeans and fitted t-shirt. I live a life of pain, and out of it I am blessed. I will continue a life of pain until the day I die, and I will still try to wiggle and twist and inhale and exhale and squeeze and yell… but I will also smile, because I will overcome.